Consult Scheduled.....check!

So today the surgeon's office called to schedule our consults.  November 5th.  Woot!

Tonight was Weight Watchers.  The Brit was running a little late, in a meeting, so I arrived first and went inside.  Several years ago, I went to this same WW for a few months and as soon as I walked in, the smell hit me.  I don't know what it was, but I remembered it and maybe it is what diet failure smells like, I don't know (at least for me.  I know others very much succeed on this program).  My heart immediately started to beat faster as I was met in the door by thin woman who led me to the forms I needed to fill out for the Brit and myself.  I immediately didn't like her, because below her name tag it said "I lost 24 pounds in 1998."  Now, I know that extra weight is extra weight and to someone 24 pounds overweight, that was a big deal.  But in the face of that smell and my rapidly beating heart, my only thoughts were that (as Robyn said) "24 pounds?  Honey, I can GAIN that in a weekend!"  Obviously, with the amount of weight I want to lose, I have a problem relating to someone who was 24 pounds overweight, who lost it and has kept it off for nearly ten years.  Honestly, Leader Lady, that is wonderful, but I'm facing surgery to get rid of my weight issue that is so far over 24 pounds....nevermind.  I was feeling cynical when I walked in the door and the feeling continued and we'll leave it at that.

So, I filled out my paperwork and another lady gave me my little books and things and then said the dreaded "You can step on scale" words.  The way it works now is that when you get on the scale, you cannot see your numbers; only the chick behind the counter can, which is nice for privacy if there are other members around.  So, I get on the scale and chick behind the counter says, and I kid you not, "YOU DID PUT YOUR HANDBAG DOWN, RIGHT?"  Nope, skinny lady, I have it around my freakin' neck, along with my kitchen sink which is neatly tucked inside of it.  Though it isn't very Christian-like, I had the urge to smack her.

The meeting wasn't terrible.  The people were nice enough.  The fact of the matter is that Miss 24 pounds was not telling me anything I didn't already know or hadn't heart a kabillion times before.  Obviously, I didn't tell anyone that I was there for an insurance requirement to have RNY surgery, but I would actually like to give it my best shot of losing 10% of my weight.  That will not only shrink my liver for surgery, but also help to put me in the best possible health for surgery which will help make recovery faster and hopefully with no complications.  If I have to be there and do this, I'd may as well do the best I can to make it a positive thing...despite Ms 24 pounds and the handbag lady.

Must sleep soon

I'm thinking the Brit is going to have to watch television downstairs tonight before bed so that I can go to sleep before 11:00.  Generally, 11:00 is my bedtime, but then there are nights where I am just TIRED and want to curl up under the covers around 10:00 or 10:30.  Tonight may need to be one of those nights.

Would you believe that is the most exciting thing I have to say today?  The week so far has been uneventful.  Tomorrow, Weight Watchers begins and I am way not looking forward to it.  So glad I only have to do it for three months instead of six. 

Okay, that's it for now.  Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting.

Fat Acceptance Blogs

I honestly never really knew that Fat Acceptance (FA) blogs existed until recently.  Now,while I find the "embrace yourself at any size" mentality a nice thought, for many people, it is simply not a reality.

I have striven for years to accept this body.  Myself, I can accept; the person inside.  The way I look at things, approach most situations, my relatively open mind, those things I accept and even like for the most part.  But the vehicle that I have to function in is hindering to say the least. 

Then what happens when this body you are accepting starts to go wrong simply because of what it is?  Weight attributes to many things; cancers, heart problems, diabetes, sleep apnea, joint and back pain.  Do FA people just accept those things too with pride because of they believe in acceptance at any size?

Do not get me wrong.  I believe that all people should accept other people.  I do not think that people should be ridiculed for their weight, color or hairstyle.  But there is a limit to what people will accept for themselves and there should be.  People who have gained weight up to 700 or 800 pounds, who are bedridden should just accept themselves and not do anything and everything to change? 

If all FA people were just about accepting people that would be fine.  I'm all for it.  But what I have seen in doing some blog searching is that some of these FA folks will actually go to the blogs of other people who are pursuing WLS and comment on how they need to accept themselves and how they are endangering their lives, yada, yada, yada.  I take offense to that.  That is one person placing their extreme views on another person that they believe is going to the extreme.  What makes them right and the person pursuing WLS wrong? I think it's wonderful that FA people can accept themselves at any size but that isn't true of all people battling their weight.  It's like they are super heroes out to save the world against the evils of WLS.  But I have to wonder if an angel, a fairy, a gnome, Jiminy Cricket, Santa Claus, whoever, stood in front of one of these FA folks and said "I can make you a healthy weight.", would they really say "No, I like things just the way they are, thanks."

Could I die because of WLS?  Sure.  Could I die as a result of weight?  Absolutely.  If I have to "pick a poison" then I pick the one that is not a definite path to destruction or poor quality of life; surgery.  Also being a Christian, I have a belief that when it is my time to leave this earth, I'm going home to God and I am fine with that. 

Either way, surgery or death, this vehicle is not coming along for the ride.

For the love of Friday

This and That

So as it turns out, we are not going to do six months of Weight Watchers.  After some investigating on Bayview's website (the hospital where our surgeon operates) they offer a program that meets that insurance company need.  The only problem is that they had no space until December, so we are going to start WW next week and do three months of that and then three months at Bayview.  (We have the option of one 6 month structured diet or two 3 month structured diets).  The pros to going to Bayview are that the meetings are once a month instead of weekly and it is only $35 a month as opposed to $12 a week.  It saves us only $26 a month, but we also have the convenience of only going one time a month instead of four.  I'm not a fan of WW, so that makes me happy.  I guess saying that I am not a fan is not quite right; it is just one more program I did a few years ago that in the long run, did not work for me.

We have a weekend of work lying ahead. We just ordered blinds for the downstairs from Budget Blinds, so we are faced with finally having to paint the window sills.  They were painted but when we got new windows recently a while ago two years ago, the paint job got pretty banged up.  I don't mind painting at all, but hate the sanding/chipping etc that goes with making it smooth from the former paint being chipped.  So, that is on the agenda for the weekend.  The blinds will be ready in two weeks and then they come and install them for us and even cart away our old blinds.

Our oldest son is on another lying rampage.  He runs hot or cold and right now, he is red hot.  The lie of the day yesterday was that I got a call from the nurse's office at his school. She said Aaron was in the office and that his toe was pretty gross looking.  Aaron had told her one of our cats bit him.  Luckily, his mother knows him well, so I explained that a cat did not bite him but that he liked to pick at his toenails until they were so low that the bled.  He does the same things to his fingers.  She believed me, which was good as if she hadn't, she would have had to report things to the SPCA.  Not that it would have mattered, as everyone is up to date on their rabies vax, but it was still irritating.  I told him that had I been behind on the shots, as the cats never go outside, the SPCA could have come to take Jonah away to quarentine him to make sure he did not have rabies, while they would start Aaron on a series of injections against the disease.   He was apparently unimpressed, as this morning he lied to me about brushing his teeth and wearing deoderant.  You can't brush your teeth and have a dry toothbrush and the attractive scent of rotten onions that emanated from him when he came home from school sealed the deoderant lie.  I pity the kids who have to sit next to him.  I told him I was following up on him because I am looking for reasons to trust him.  For some reason, this kid just doesn't get it and I'm not always sure if he ever will.

Well, that is all the big news from here.  Hope everyone has a painless Friday and a glorious weekend!

Gee, thanks, Mom

So, I told my mother last night about our plans to have the surgery and she was very supportive.  Which is a good thing, considering...

When I was probably in my late twenties, a little naive and before I had a computer, my mother made a comment to me.  It was "If you had diabetes, the weight would just fall off of you."

Now, at the time, I knew very little about diabetes, but I felt as if she had just given me some hope.  Diabetes?  How can I get it?  If the weight will just "fall off" sign me up!  I went out to have bloodwork done and was sorely disappointed that I was not diabetic, but I held out hope for several years that the magical diagnosis would happen for me.  I figured every fat person in the universe was probably praying for the same thing.

In 2002, my still un-diabetic self started working for a podiatrist and as it turns out, many of our patients were diabetic!  I was insanely jealous, until I started seeing a pattern.  Many of these patients were obese.  Were they not doing diabetes correctly?  Finally, with information and resources at hand, I started asking questions of the doctor and reading some books that were in the office.  It was there that I learned the truth about this disease and I was appalled that it had been wished on me years earlier, first by my mother and then by me.  Further horrors were revealed in seeing patients with horrible ulcers that could often lead to amputation.  Now, armed with information, this was no longer a desirable thing to have.

Ignorance is often a really bad way to go into wanting something, so when it comes to WLS, I am arming myself with knowledge, so that I know what nearly every possible scenario, complication and outcome could be.  Armed with the truth, I have been able to so far make informed decisions, even as I continue to explore my options. 

Too bad there is no surgery to give me patience

I hate waiting for things. 

I've been reading other WLS blogs and find my own heart aching to be experiencing what those folks are experiencing.  But I have six months to get through first but still, in the meantime, I want to feel as if I am doing something.  I have my paperwork all ready to be mailed off but am giving the Brit one more night to finish his.  I feel like putting things off at this point is just a waste of time; I need to feel like this could possibly be a reality and in order to do that, something needs to be happening.  I need to be waiting to hear about a consultation with the surgeon or I need to be making a decision about what diet program we are doing.  Waiting when I am doing all I can is one thing; waiting when there are things I could be doing is another altogether.

The six months is going to be hard enough, but in that time, I can get certain required appointments out of  the way, which should help with time passing.  Add to that the fact that we are having lots of company in November and December and that will also help time to pass.  I'll also be figuring out how to sell on eBay because once weight starts falling off, there will be clothing that needs to be sold.

The six months will also be a little bit of a mourning time too, I suppose.  A last Thanksgiving and Christmas to eat crap I will no longer be able to eat much, if any of, once surgery happens.  I'm not even sure I'll really miss it.  I think that feeling healthy and having energy will taste so much better than chocolate blossom cookies or pumpkin pie.  I think a lot of the stuff I chose to snack on now, is partially out of an unhappiness with myself anyway.  I almost develops a "Who cares?" attitude.  I'm already fat, so what's another donut?

I don't want to feel that way or be that person any longer than I have to.  I wish I could lose weight by dieting, but for years that has proven to be fruitless.  I lose a little, put that plus more back on in a constant vicious cycle that has probably taken a toll on my body and my metabolism.  I have spent so much time, dreaming about being healthier and being able to do things that I want to do...I can't even describe to you how hopeless I have felt after another failed attempt. 

All my life, I have just wanted to be normal.  To not be the kid that people made fun of, or the teenager who was tormented by a few bullies or at times even close friends.  Isn't it sad, that even our friends when we are younger will use our weight to hurt us if they are angry?  And that hurts so much more than some bully saying something cruel. Even family is not exempt from making comments as if I am completely unaware of my weight problem.  

 I never really wanted people to pay attention to me for my body, but on the other hand, I never wanted to be ignored because my weight either and there is a difference.  I don't want to turn heads; I want to be comfortable in my own skin and I never have been.  41 years and I have never been comfortable with my body.  What a horrible place to be.  It's the one physical thing that goes through this life here with me, and I don't particularly like it.  Oh, there are parts I like; my eyes, my hair, my fingers and my heart and mind are pretty good emotionally.  But when it comes to traveling in it, it pretty much sucks. 

Does my entire happiness lie on my weight?  No, of course not.  I have found ways to be happy in this life with little effort, but I do think that part of that is because I often ignore what pains me.  Don't think about it, because you will be happier if you don't.  But now half my life is gone and here we are, still struggling to find a place where I can accept myself entirely.

Granted, it is difficult to accept myself when society as a whole doesn't accept weight issues as a real problem.  Fat people are lazy and just lie around eating bon bons all day.  Not all of us.   Society can be sympathetic to other problems, but not to weight. Some people are and some are starting to recognize it as a disease and how can it not be?  How can some people eat what they want and not gain a pound and other people eat like birds and manage to lose ten pounds?  There are things that are not right in our genetic makeup.  I didn't spend most of my life fat and not try to do a thing about it.  Much on the contrary; I tried almost everything. 

Six months to dream and hope and pray. 

Update: As of 7:30pm, our forms for the surgeon  are in the mailbox at the end of the street.  Once they review them, they will set up a consult with us.  Now to just pin down what diet program we are going with...

Sleeping with Bread

I don't know if what I am going to write for tonight's SWB post really qualifies as sleeping with bread, but here goes.

Obviously, I have been all consumed with WLS once again and feeling much more confident thus far in the decision to pursue it.  I've always been the kind of person who gets an idea into her head and then can hardly think of anything else until the thought either comes to fruitation or something causes me to change my mind about it altogether.  I do worry a lot though about telling people and I don't think I'm going to tell many people.  Obviously, the friends who read here will know about it, but I would prefer for the majority of the folks at church to not know.  The main reason is simply that I firmly believe that many people do not have a real understanding of the surgery or why someone would get it.  I can say this honestly because I used to be one of those people, though I never viewed surgery as " the easy way out".  There is nothing "easy" about major surgery, possible complications and a complete change in eating for the rest of one's life.  The thing is, if you have never battled weight, you probably do have little understanding and I've been over that before on this blog so I won't rehash it now.  But I do fear people judging me for the decision who would have little to no understanding on what my life of one diet to the next has been for thirty-something years.  People who never battle weight take little things for granted that I simply cannot do, so that is what my SWB is about today.  It's a bit of a "Wish list" of things to be grateful for in the future that I can only dream about doing tonight.  What I am least grateful for is the fact that I cannot do these things now.

 

1. Being able to get on and off the floor easily.


2. Being able to breathe normally when going up a flight of stairs.


3. Being able to fit comfortably in any chair, anyplace.


4. Being able to bicycle again.


5. Having energy


6. Not having to use a CPAP in order to sleep.


7. Not having to worry about being at increased risk for certain cancers


8. Being able to feel confident


9. Not feeling like my weight is keeping me from achieving things I want to achieve


10. No longer having my ankles swell


11. Crossing my legs or even sitting cross-legged


12. Taking a bath instead of a shower


13. Sitting in a booth


14. Horseback riding


15. Being able to ride amusement park rides with my kids


16. No more knee pain


17. No more back pain


18. No more heel pain


19. Garden


20. Not feeling constantly self conscious


21. Being able to exercise without feeling like I'm dying


22. Being the person outside that I am on the inside


23. Being able to live to the full potential God has planned for me


24. Not being at increased risk for heart attacks or diabetes


25. Being comfortable in my own skin

I know I'll think of more as time goes on, but for now, that is a start.