Grouchy Pouchy

Today was not a good day to be my pouch.  Or my food for that matter.

The Brit and I went to lunch today as I had a hankering for crab in some form, so there is a restaurant across town that has incredible crabcakes.  As it comes with fries, I substituted a side salad, which they brought out first.  So of course, by the time I had eaten part of the salad, I could only manage 1/4 of my crabcake.  So, we boxed it up and I was looking forward to eating it later.

Upon arriving home, my neighbor across the street waved me over as they had another stray cat (we just found a home for one a few weeks ago and now there is another).  As we discussed how thin this kitty was and that I recommended kitten food for the calories to put some weight on this little guy, and how they could put neosporin on the little wound on his back leg, the boxed up crabcake and my iced tea, which I had unwittingly sat on the hood of The Brit's car, promptly slid off and fell into the street.  Crabcake and tea everywhere.  So much for dinner.

So tonight, I heated up a bit of leftover steak and an ear of corn, which was not going down well at all.  I finally gave up and ate a handful of grapes.  Yes, the protein of my day sucked, but there are just days when nothing makes the pouch happy.  Some people name their pouches, but I refuse because I think it is silly.  However, if I were to name it and named it today, I would dub him Grumpy.  And yes, he would be a male....

Can I Have One Weekly?

Though today started out badly, the picnic was wonderful.  Jim and Ruth have a cabin at The Woods in West Virginia that is adorable and if it were mine, I would be there every weekend.  Paula, The Brit and I along with our kids and two of the teens, went down to the pool to go swimming and spent some time in the hot tub as well.  We got to looking at their brochure of spa items and before we knew it, The Brit had talked both Paula and myself into a half hour massage.

Neither of us had ever had one before, but I had always wanted one.  We went for head, shoulders and back and OMG.  Amazing.  We both loved it. Every.  Freaking. Minute. Of. It.  We have already decided that as our Christmas gifts to each other, we are going back, having an hour massage and a facial (something else we have never experienced).  Already, I cannot wait.  For thirty minutes, I felt like a queen or princess or something.

We ate well, then played a game and overall had a very pleasant day.  On the drive out of there tonight, we saw deer everywhere.  Loved it.

I think in some ways, and hopefully all good ways, I am becoming a different person.  There are times when I am so comfortable with myself now.  I rarely feel out of place.  Six months ago, I would have never gone and undressed from the waist up for a massage.  I would have been far too self conscious.  Not anymore.  There are moments I feel, do I dare say, pretty, which is a foreign thought to me and one I am having trouble voicing, even here.  It just floors me, all these little changes in my body and mind and even in my soul.  It's as if something has been set free which has never been free before and my soul is learning to grow its tiny wings.  Though my soul is hesitant, the wings are still there, occasionally making small excursions, before returning to its protected nest.  I owe so much to this surgery and to God for getting me through it.

I am working harder than I have ever worked before, so don't ever think it is a an easy journey or "The easy way out".  There is nothing easy about it.  Every bite has to be measured.  I am working out HARD five days a week (I did TWO MILES on the elliptical yesterday and am only going to continue to go forward.  Two weeks ago, remember, my best time was 90 seconds!).  I think about exercise all the time now and it's not just a need to move, it is a desire and the ABILITY to move.  At 315 pounds, moving was not an easy thing to do at all.  Now, it is not only easier, but desirable. 

My life is changing and blooming in ways I never would have thought possible.

Friday Weigh in

Plateaus make me insane.  I stayed exactly the same this week at 243.  Hate it, hate it, hate it. 

But I didn't sulk too long.  Hard to sulk when I'm feeling so good.  I did TWO MILES on the elliptical today!  Woot!  It felt amazing!  My legs may be sore in the morning but that's ok. 

The other excitement of the day was that I bought a pair of CJ Banks jeans, size 22 off a clearance rack in the store two weeks ago and on a whim I tried them on today.  Okay, I had to lie down on the bed to get them buttoned, but they fit!  I won't actually wear them yet until they are not as tight, but it wasn't a struggle at all once I was lying down.  There are some days here in my world where it is just like Christmas.

Tomorrow, we are heading to a picnic and thankfully there is an indoor pool there as we are supposed to have a rainy weekend.

Sunday, is wide open other than church.

Happy Friday, y'all!

Emotions are taking me over

Glad y'all enjoyed my little freakfest stories from yesterday.  I'll keep everyone abreast of my next sighting as heaven knows, if there is a freak within ten miles of me, he'll find me.

Is anyone else watching Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Race?  Does anyone else get weepy while watching this or is it just me?  Richard.  He just breaks my heart.  He's the biggest person competing and he and his brother are a team and they are so close.  I look at him and see me and I can feel his pain in my own heart.  And then there is Verne and Patrick, a father son team, with the son being the larger of the two.  I hear Verne talk about how much he worries about his son and I remember how my dad used to worry about me.

Then I have started watching "How to Look Good Naked."  I just adore Carson and love what he is doing for the self images of women via this show.  Again, I watched my recorded episode today with Heather and just got all teary eyed, because we all have scars, in one way or another.

I just feel for these people; those battling weight or sporting a horrible self image.  Hi! Been there.  Still there a bit.  I still have trouble seeing myself as smaller, even though my head and heart knows I am. 

I went for my followup with my PCP today and when she walked in, she gasped and said "Skinny Minnie!" I shook my head in distain, "No, I have a long ways to go before that is true."  She gave me a reproachful look, "You aren't that far off."

But it is so hard to hear a compliment and accept it.  I'm not used to them about my weight.  I'm hoping I can get to the point where I can graciously just say "Thank you" instead of giving a laundry list of what I still need to do and how much I still need to lose.

I've often thought about getting to a point where I can help people who battle weight.  I'm not sure where or how or if it would just be with WLS patients.  It's just something that calls out to my heart.  I could be the female Richard Simmons, just wanting to give those who suffer from obesity a great big hug. 

I think I'll forgo the little running shorts and tank top though.

Itchy Horses

This post may be slightly offensive,but I have to tell the stories because they really happened and crap like this only happens to me!! 

I have always been a magnet for weirdos, for as long as I can remember and for awhile there while weighing 315 pounds, I didn't have the problem.  Maybe being fat makes one unapproachable, I don't know.

Anyway, scenario number 1:

Two weeks ago at the Y, Paula and I had just started out workout.  I was working with hand weights and she was using one of the arm machines in the circuit and we were chatting when this man approached us.  It was obvious that he was mentally challenged, but it was still an odd conversation.  I had seen him in there before working out.

W1 (Weirdo #1) to me:  You're not going to tell on me, are you?

Me: No, I won't tell on you (while in my head, I am thinking, "What are you going to do?")

W1: You won't tell on me?

Me: Nope.

W1: Why does our skin itch?

Me: (in a dead serious voice, I may add) I don't know.

W1: (to Paula) You're not going to tell on me, are you?

So, for the last two weeks, the giggle fests have been "You're not going to tell on me, are you?" and "Why does our skin itch?"  Paula and I will just say it out of the blue to each other just for our own amusement.

But he was harmless enough.  The experience last night made me feel like I needed to go home and shower.

Aaron had therapy until 8:00 last night and as we had library books due back, we stopped at the library on our way home.  He headed for the kid's section for more Hardy Boys books and I perused the new fiction in the adult section.  After selecting three books and taking note that Aaron was looking something up on the computer, I wandered down the adult section to where they have the books on horses. 

There was a guy, maybe mid-twenties, kneeling on the floor, looking at a book, and I walked around him to just glance at the titles on the shelf.  This is where this entry gets a little offensive, but it really happened this way.

W2:  Am I in your way?

Me: No.  You're fine.

W2: (shows me a picture in the book he is looking at and I just glance at it, not really centering on what was in the picture, other than a horse) I think this is so cool; when a mare drops a foal.

Me: Yeah, it is.  It's a miracle.

W2:  I love horses.

Me: Yeah, me too. (the whole time I am preferring to not be having this conversation as I keep looking at books).

W2: I wish I was a horse.

Me: (nervous laugh.  This was getting weird)

W2:  I say that because I am messing with one now.  A female.

Alarm bells are going off in my head, but I am still trying to convince myself this is all harmless.  I say nothing.

W2: (in a hushed voice) When I'm with her, things that aren't usually that big, get bigger.  Huge.  Like a horse.

At this point, I am repulsed and sarcasm is dripping from my voice as I turn away on a "That's real nice."

I intercept Aaron and head to the security guy at the front door to report this jerk, but by the time we search the library for him, he is gone.

They always find me and I just have to document it for posterities sake.

Just Love Them Like Jesus

As my regular readers know, blogging is my therapy.  When things get tough or confusing or overwhelming, generally, instead of losing my temper, bursting into tears or sinking into depression, I try to write it out here and then listen to the comments all of you make to help direct me back to the path of being centered once more.



Church can be hard work, and in a way, I find that sad, because it really shouldn't be. 



My church has been through its ups and downs the last three years, but we have hung in there.  When we suddenly found ourselves smaller and without a full time pastoral leader, I watched people take leads they had never taken before.  I watched a congregation bond together and pick up the pieces and move on with Christ.  As it should be.  I found out that my little church  was made up of some very wise people, who knew how to defuse situations and sometimes even head them off before they could begin.  I came to know people I had never really known before, simply because we were too big before to know everyone so intimately.  I saw people who had never taken charge of anything before, take charge and people who rarely helped, pitch in to get things done.  It has truly been amazing.



But all churches have growing pains and some of ours have evolved by people just getting tired.  Summer is a busy time here with three very large events:  The mission trip, VBS and the yard sale, and the latter two affect more people.  Though the mission trip is every bit as exhausting, it only exhausts a handful of us as opposed to VBS and the yard sale, which affect more individuals.  So, at the beginning of all this work, we get a wonderful new pastor, who has his own ideas about things he would like to try and to his credit, he has been in the center of each of these major activities that took place over the summer.



But now that Fall is upon us, there are new things to start and other events to do and sometimes, people don't deliver information well and they tell instead of ask, which annoys other people and before long, you have a problem.  A problem that if all involved would just take a step back and a deep breath, then calmer heads would probably prevail.  But instead, it has to get worse before it gets better and bending is just something some folks are not willing to do because they are angry.



But aren't we, as the church, the ones the rest of the world should be looking to? If congregations cannot get along, then what hope is there for the rest of the world? Aren't we commissioned by Christ to be a family; His family?  Nothing is engraved in stone (other than those Ten Commandments, one of which is "Love your neighbor, btw) and sometimes schedules have to be reworked and we all have to give a little.  But when invisible lines in the sand are drawn, what are we accomplishing really?  We're so busy with our own agendas and lines that we lose sight of what we are here for in the first place.



I can't begin to tell you how often I bite my tongue.  How many times I stop myself from saying what I'm thinking, in the name of peace.  I find it a worthwhile thing to do because I despise contention, yet I've been surrounded by it since last week and it takes an affect on my system.  I'm tired, my IBS is flaring up for the first time in YEARS, and it is the cost of being a secretary who hears everything and worries about all of it too.  But it's a sacrifice I make because no one needs to hear my thoughts on the situation; my opinions.  I'm not even going to state them here.  I will say that I could be equally as stubborn as some, but chose not to be, because then it just creates more problems. 



It's time to step back and remember what we are doing here.  We need to remember what we are commissioned to do.  If we bicker amongst ourselves, how on earth can we go out into the world and live the Gospel to a world that is all too eager to forget about God?  What does it say about us when we are not living examples of the love and mercy Jesus showed all of us?  Grace.  It's one of my favorite words.



So, when my heart is troubled by the actions, words or deeds of others or when I am fretting about when any turmoil will end, I take my deep breath, stand back and say a prayer.  Then He gently reminds me of who is really in charge and that all things will work together for good.



He is my hope.

Learning to eBay

So, I have officially started selling clothing on eBay.  There's a lot to learn!

My first two items have just sold (not for very much.  I'm wondering if my starting price is too low???) and have been paid for and I am shipping them out tomorrow.  I plan on listing more items Thursday night as Kelly told me that Sundays between 7-9pm and Thursdays between 7-9pm, are the best times to list.  Thursday though, gets you two weekends on your listing, so I'm going to go with that. 

There was the whole "how to ship" fiasco.  I had decided upon UPS and had ordered a bunch of shipping supplies from them.  Now I am finding out that USPS is way cheaper and they have flat rate shipping supplies, which of course, the buyers like.  So, now that I have all these UPS boxes, I will soon be receiving a bunch of USPS boxes!  Ah well, live and learn, right?

My pouch was cranky as hell tonight at dinner.  Well, actually what it was, I think, as I am starting to figure this out, was that The Brit seemed a bit cranky at dinner.  Being a man, if he is cranky, he won't admit to anything being wrong, which stresses me out and when I stress out, my pouch becomes very tempermental.  So, I actually only managed about four bites of dinner and then twenty minutes of feeling sick.  It finally went away, The Brit's mood blew over, and I just ate a bowl of high protein cereal to make up for not much dinner.  

Life as a gastric bypass patient is never boring!