Back from an alternate universe

So I pretty much spent a couple of days this week communing with my inner basketcase.  I got my crazy on, thinking I really wanted to do this surgery and with the Brit and the kids away for the first half of the week, I was on my own to research everything I could find on gastric bypass.  I mean, I was on message boards and signing up for email groups and reading everything on-line that I could find.

Then, I got all freaked out and started to wonder what the hell I was thinking.  Surgery?  Rearranging my insides?  What if I die on the table?  What if I get a clot after surgery that kills me?  What if twenty years down the road, some complication the doctors didn't even know about arises and kills me or turns me into a vegetable or something?  I freaking myself out so badly that I plunged into what could only be called a depression where the only thing that brought me any relief at all from my own mind was sleep.  I slept a lot the first part of this week.  With no one else here, there were no distractions from my own self induced tormenting, so I slept...often.

Finally  yesterday, I managed to get a grip and here is what I know.  I'm not sure if surgery is the right option for me, but it is not a decision I have to make right now.  If the Brit definately wants to do it, I will gladly do the six month structured diet with him and then I will see where I stand and how I feel.  In the meantime, I am pulling myself back up on the eating better bandwagon that I fell from a couple of weeks ago.  I have cancelled all surgery email from coming into my inbox because can you say "overwhelming"??  The group is so big, I was getting like forty emails in an hour.

So, I have not given up on myself yet.  I am not making any big decisions anytime soon and in the meantime, I'm going to keep on keepin' on.  I figure that if God wants me to do this surgery thing, he will make that abundantly clear, as he has done in my life so many times before.