The Crazy is Gonna Get Me

I have a special talent of letting crazyish people find me. I would go so far to say that I am a magnet for them. I will also tell you that I am a bleeding heart for people who need help, though I am naive enough to not check out if their story is legit.



So this morning at work, there was a message on the machine from an extremely distraught lady, saying she didn't know what to do, that she couldn't move all these boxes etc.� She was crying and said she was afraid.� I get a lot of calls here at work from people looking for money, or help paying rent or utility bills and often we don't have the funds to help them.� Often when I get these as messages, I don't call back, because I know that they hung up from me and called another church and we can't make it a practice to pay everyone's bills with our limited income here.



But this lady I called back.� She sounded too upset to not call back.� Turns out she is older, disabled and her landlord is putting her out for some reason.� Maybe she isn't paying her rent, I don't know.� She said she has been robbed twice where she is currently living and she was afraid to even sleep at night.� She said the only family she has is a daughter who won't give her the time of day.� She alternated between being very calm and very weepy.� She said she had an electric bill to pay.� I asked her if she had a truck and she said someone was going to help her get one.�



I was concerned on several levels, one being the obvious, that this woman was in dire straights and needed help.� Secondly, were there some mental problems going on.� I called social services and spoke with a really nice guy and when I explained the situation, he knew who I was calling about before I told him her name.� They can't really release any information due to confidentiality, but he told me to listen to my instincts and he did tell me that what she was telling me was true.� He apparently called her when he hung up from me and encouraged her to give me some names and numbers so I could verify things.� I told her I needed to wait until the pastor came back from his vacation weekend to know what, if anything, we can do.



So, I may be in need of some folks to help move this lady.� My congregation is a lot of older people, though there are some younger I am going to be hitting up for help if it comes to that.� It is so hard to be in the middle of these situations sometimes, but I still believe that as the church we are called to help others and though we have to be selective on who we help sometimes, due to some folks working the system, there are many needs that are legit.�� So, anyone available to help move a lady at the end of the month??



I'm running today using my new Nike+iPod and we'll see how it goes.� Goal is walk a mile, run a mile and repeat.� I think I am the slowest runner in the world but that is okay by me; I'm still doing it.� Took Spin last night and remembered that I really don't enjoy it all that much.� I find it rather boring.� I really want to give Yoga a shot this summer as I am not all that flexible and have been told Yoga will help with that.� You know that stretch where you bend your knee...oh hell, this one:





Totally cannot do it.� My leg does not want to bend back that far and I think Yoga can help.� At the end of Spin last night, they want us to put our leg up on the handlebar to stretch out and yeah...not so much.� So Yoga is a summer goal.



Tonight dinner with friend (YESSSSS...even though I am taking the kids, adults to talk to!) and then Tod's show.� Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and wish me luck on my drive back to Reagan Airport tomorrow!

Thursday Thirteen: The Dropping Acid Edition

So another fun side effect of weaning off Zoloft is weird dreams as I have been having them this week and�acid�must not have a thing on Zoloft, not that I have ever tried acid, but I know a guy who did and was awake and said his arm fell off.� Anway,� I wanted to share 13 things about last night's insanityfest.� In no particular order, as I remember it, as we all know how dreams have a habit of slipping from our conscious mind quickly and efficiently.

�

1. I was working for the veterinary hospital from hell again and while I was there, Bonnie, a girl I worked with briefly, was being arrested for stealing something.� In the moment of the dream, I knew what it was, but now I can't remember.


2. Stacey, the wife of a guy The Brit works with, came into the vet hospital and said she was there for the free pet food.� I tried to find the free food in question, carefully going around the plethora of cops arresting Bonnie, to the back and to my mother's microwave stand, but could not find the food.� Finally, a girl who barely spoke english showed me where it was.


3. The next person to come in brought Abbie for fluids, and I was trying to find the chart, when psycho-Jennie swooped in and grabbed it from in front me.� Even in dreamland, not much has changed there.


4. The next thing I remember happening (once they escorted Bonnie out) was Little Brother, who is NOT ADHD, telling me he only had one pill left.� I called the pharmacy to refill both his meds (meds that in real life, The Teenager is actually on) but the tech reminded me I needed an actual prescription as Adderal is a controlled substance.� I remembered the prescription was at home, but for some reason, had to walk from downtown to get there.� I was running and walking, alternating between the two.


5. Got home and was looking for my date book as I was sure that was where the prescriptions were (and in real life, that is where they are).� I walked outside and Lilah, the 8th grader across the road was standing at my car (I don't know why my car was not with me when I had to walk home) and she said hi to me and ran across the street to her house.


6. Through all this, I knew I was going to be late for work at veterinary hell.� I found the prescriptions and was getting ready to leave when I remembered I was going to take a Spin class after work, so I had better pack my workout clothes.Went downstairs and asked The Brit if he would drive me to get my car (which last seen was outside but it was no longer there apparently).� He leaped up to do it and took me to the car.� Can't remember where it was.


7. I was then driving to CVS to drop off the prescription and The Teenager was in the car with me which totally annoyed me as I was already late for work.� I told him he would have to walk home from CVS.� He was not happy. On the way to CVS, kids were trick or treating and were all over the place.� I remember thinking "It is passed 8:00 and they should be home by now."� Then it started snowing.


8. I was suddenly in what appeared to be the fellowship hall downstairs at my church, but it was assembled to look like a classroom.� I was sitting next to Brent.� Whatever we were attending, we had to pay dues of $2 but no one had any money, other than Change for Change bottles (in real life, Change for Change is our mission trip fundraiser to raise money for gas to get us to NC next month).� So we were swiping change from the bottles to pay our dues.�


9. One girl came over to Brent and I and said she needed change.� She had�one roll of�coins of $50 (not sure how that happened) and another one for $3 and she needed change after paying her $2 with $53.� Brent kept insisting she needed $65 dollars back.� I disagreed, then he called me "mom."


10. Jimmy (a guy I went to high school with who is gay) was sitting across the room pissed off that Brent and I were sitting together.� Non-confrontational me ignored him.


11. I was back at home later and was watching what appeared to be "Criminal Minds" with The Brit.�� Dr. Reid was a judge, but he was all loopy and I remember thinking he was coming off Zoloft.� A woman who looked like Penelope from the same show, whispered in his ear "Pay no attention to what I do."� She then proceeded to kill people.� Reid remained really confused.


12. During the show, I said I had to pee, but instead of going upstairs, I walked out onto the deck.� I remembered thinking that the wood beneath my bare feet was delightfully warm considering that it had snowed earlier.


13. I sat down in The Brit's deck chair to pee and then decided that was not a good idea...peeing on the cushions and all.� So�I lifted up the cushion, sat back down and proceeded to urinate.� Got back up, went back inside and was covered in soot.

My alarm went off then.� I started my new meds today, two days early...cannot take the mood and the dreams much longer.



I'm going to take Spin class tonight actually as Little Brother has a dentist appt this afternoon.� Not a huge fan of Spin, but it will be good cross training as tomorrow I plan on four miles, alternating walking and running, ie. walk a mile, run a mile and repeat.



To play Thursday 13, go here and join us!

 

Tired Mama....Check...Dead Laptop....Check

So last night, the love of my life, my Acer Aspire Netbook, died.� Well, they think it is the power cord and they are sending another one...in 3-8 days.� I hope it is the power cord as I am hopelessly in love with my little pink bundle of goodness and this was the wrong week for it to die as I have not had any face to face adult conversations this week and chatting online on the comfort of my sofa, helps.� Sucks.



It has been a pretty normal week other than that.� The kids bicker, the teenager acts like he would rather just be put to death than to have to attend little brother's 30 minute orchestra concert (seriously dude?� Suck it up), the little brother manages to somehow get crap on the toilet seat and then lies about it.� All pretty typical in my world...can't say I will be sad to get some adult freedom back after Saturday though, providing I don't die driving in DC to the airport.� Hate driving there and though every day brings me a day closer to my single parenting days to come to an end, they also bring me closer to having to drive in one of the two places I hate driving.� Good times!



I am debating leaving the kids home when I go to praise band rehearsal tomorrow night (anybody want a few kids?� They will be home alone. Call me, I'll give you a key to the house...) just for an hour and a half to not be around them.� I love them, but being the only parent for them to talk to equals no quiet�moment to even think, plus it has been cold and rainy so they have been in the house ALL THE TIME.� Did you hear that?� ALLTHEFREAKINGTIME!� This has not been a good week...cannot wait to start new meds!



I am finally getting a run in today; first one since Friday.� Monday, I was bathroom painting and yesterday was grocery day and orchestra concert.� I am starting to think that if I am very lucky, Leisl might be able to carry me across the finish line the morning of our 5K.� I have also totally booked myself this week with appointments.� Today is my friend's radiation so I get the joy of sitting with her adorable daughter.� Tomorrow, little brother has a dentist appt as he cracked a tooth.� Friday, the teenager has a therapy appt (I am still mad at the therapist.� I am just not sure what is really being accomplished in these sessions).� I was on the brink of�texting Leisl last night to see if she was available for lunch any day this week (I am starving to be around adults!) before I realized I have no freakin' time.� And sushi and wasabi would have been divine right about now...and a glass of their "house brush".



I know my blog posts have been kind of downers lately, but the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight.� I promise.�



Oh and another great reason we need a dog:

One Down....

So my first day after halving my zoloft left me with a tremendous headache (yesterday).� I have always taken this med at night as it tended to make me sleepy so I took it last night close to midnight and five hours later was wide awake.� Lovely.� I think I will be taking it in the AM for the rest of the week as insomnia is a side effect of weaning off the med.� My only fear with that is forgetting to take it.



I did get my bloodwork results back today and I am damn near perfect.� Heh.� Cholesterol is perfect, fasting blood sugar, perfect, iron etc, all good.� Awesome.� My only problem is apparently that I am nuts.



Got the bathroom finished other than the work The Brit has to do with making some stuff to go behind the towel racks, TP rack etc (needs to be uniform, though he doesn't know that yet.).�



Saturday, I had to drive The Brit to Reagan airport in DC and there are two places in this world I hate to drive: DC and NYC.� So, my meds are not working and I am driving in a city I hate driving in, and lo and beyond I am rear ended.� Ripped up my back bumper pretty good, so I am waiting for the driver's insurance company to give me the estimate to have it fixed.� Did speak with them today and the appt is set up for next Thursday.



Was hoping to have a girl's night out Friday, but not gonna happen. Must take kids.� This is my life this week.



Okay, too tired to blog more tonight.� I will try to do better tomorrow.� Oh and spam commenters, go away, will ya?

Thank God....seriously!

If this cat was drinking wine like I will be in a few hours, it would be perfect...but we can always view as "this is what I will look like by midnight."



Yeah. Ready for the weekend.� I think.� Definitely ready for tonight.� Starting tomorrow, I single parent for the week.� Not looking forward to that.� Dear Lord, let it be an uneventful week.



I have been sitting with my friend's daughter, Emma, while her mom, Shiloh (my friend) has been undergoing radiation for breast cancer.� I love this little girl.� I think because I have two boys, I find little girls just magical.� I love her little girly attitude and her blonde flyaway curls and how precocious she is and though I am thrilled to death for my friend almost being finished with her radiation, I will miss Emma Wednesdays (though I do plan on spending some time with Shiloh, Emma and Deacon this summer with my boys).�



Apparently, Wednesday night, Emma had a seizure.� They took her to our local hospital, ran tests and found nothing out of the ordinary, so they released her.� On her way out to the car, Emma had another seizure, so they took her to DC to Children's Hospital.� Now, she is doing well and they think the seizures are idiopathic, which after talking to Shiloh, sounds like they are not the bad kind (is there a good kind of seizure?).� Hopefully she will be released today but please keep Emma and this family in your prayers.� They have had a trying year and I am praying that they all have a safe passage to the other side of this tunnel life has thrown at them.



I have my eye on one of these .� For $29, I don't think I can beat it.� A lot of runner swear by the Garmin 320, but I am not yet serious enough to spend $150.00 on a device.� And i don't have to have Nike shoes to use it.� Amazon or eBay both sell a thing adapts with your laces to position the sensor.�When I stay on the path that marks a mile for me, I know how far I have run, but let's face it, one of the joys of running outside is being able to go different places.� But when I go different places, I have no idea how far I have run.� Plus I think this little baby gives you your calorie burn too which would be awesome.�



Okay, I can think of nothing else for today.� I think my fog blocks some of my creativity, so bear with me.� I'm getting there one day at a time.



Happy weekend, peeps!� Join me in a drink tonight on the deck!

Thursday 13: The Staying :Positive Edition

In an effort to remain positive during this transition, here, in no particular order, are thirteen things I am thankful for:

 

1. My husband: Today is his birthday.� I am thankful for having him in my life.� I am thankful he has found a hobby that he has built a circle of friends around.� I'm thankful that he is a wonderful provider.


2. For my friends who have been so supportive of this trying time for me.� Thank you.


3. For my WLS.� I would not trade it for the world.


4. For books, even though I find so few moments to read.� I have three currently stacked beside of me: "A Stitch in Time", "Heaven and the AFterlife" and "Chi Running".


5. For tomorrow being fire pit.� There will be wine involved. Note to self: buy wine.


6. For my new Road ID.� I love it and feel safer somehow wearing it.� As another blogger said, it is my voice if I cannot speak for myself.


7. For running and my love-hate relationship with it.


8. For Michael and my kickboxing class.� It's fun and a stress release.


9. For my kids: I am thankful for them...really.� There are just days I forget.


10. For my cats: their unconditional love always brings a smile to my heart.


11. My youth kids: I love this bunch and my heart aches thinking of them getting older and starting their own lives.


12. For my God...who created me, who gets me and who is the loving Father to all of his children....not just the ones society deems as "worthy" or "correct".


13. For knowing that soon the fog will be lifted and I feel normal once again.

You can play Thursday 13 here!

�

Almost to Friday

Today has been moderately better for me.� The doctor is weaning me off the Zoloft and by the end of next week, I should be starting on Pristique.� I have some fears about the weaning off process next week when my normal dosage is cut in half but I am trying to be optimistic that the drug has become so ineffective for me that I will not notice much of a difference.� With being a golf widow all week next week, some of ya'll might want to check to make sure the kids are weathering the potential storm all right.



I have discovered that exercise is definitely helping me to cope despite the fact that right now, when I have little energy or desire to do it, I am making myself do it.� It releases endorphines that allow me to feel a bit better for awhile.� I literally forced myself to kickboxing last night (so not like me) after telling myself half a dozen times that I was not going, but am so thankful that I did.� Though this morning, the fog had descended on me again, for a few precious hours last night, I felt the closest to normal mentally that I had in awhile.� I ran this afternoon and again, it helped to lift the fog for awhile.



I had dinner with friends tonight before going to hear one of my youth girls give her junior recital (she is a vocalist) and the socialization that followed my run helped to keep me feeling more centered.� Depression, if that is what this is, runs in my family and though I don't feel mine is severe, it is enough to keep me from feeling "normal".� It is a difficult thing to describe if you have never battled it.� The inability to know the answer to "What is wrong with me?� Why am I feeling this way?" is a constant struggle. When the Zoloft was working, I could still have a bad day here and there, but I generally knew what the cause of it was.� This fog from the last week and a half, I can't account for; there is no one thing that placed me here.� I was feeling isolated a few days before the blow up at my teenager and it isn't that I WAS or AM isolated, but I was feeling that way for no explicable reason.� I sat at my desk at work last week and cried for no apparent reason; I only felt completely overwhelmed and alone.� My goals no longer felt worthwhile.� I was suddenly dreading the mission trip, something I look forward to every single year.� The thought of vacation was holding no joy for me at all.� These things and feelings are not who I am.



Though I do not cherish needing to take medication, if the choice is a pill, or constantly having this fog that I cannot seem to shake surrounding me, I will choose the pill.� Feeling this way with no end in sight would be beyond unimaginable for me.� I would never want to be the poster child for anti-depressants, but ladies, there is no shame in them.� Depression occurs much more frequently in women and I am entering into the years where everything begins changing hormonally.� I was fortunate enough to not have to take anything as a teenager though looking back, I wonder at times if I should have.� I remember once sitting on the floor of my bedroom with an open bottle of pills in front of me.� For the life of me, I cannot even remember what was so wrong (sound familiar?) but I was prepared to swallow a handful of these when the phone in my room rang.� It was a friend of mine who immediately said "I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to call you.� Are you okay?"� Don't tell me we don't have guardian angels.� I was maybe 16 at the time.



Now I am hopefully old enough and wise enough to know that an overdose would never solve anything, but again, if this is depression, it is a mild case and I am on medication for it.� But if anyone reading this is suffering from depression, do not let anyone shame you for needing help or belittle you for your feelings.� This stuff is real and there is no need for anyone to suffer when there is help out there.�



You don't have to feel this way.� Mental health is still health and what I am working towards.� It is all relevant.