Afterthoughts

I received two great comments to my last post and I first want to say to Jil:  Why do we not live closer?  I think we could be BFFs if only we were within driving distance of each other (well, we are, but it would take a couple of days to get there!).  You are so wise and honest and giving and I love all those things about you.  You're always in my corner, girl, even though we have never met face to face.  I love you for it.



I guess I am a little scared of being judged.  I have run into a LOT of judgmental people in other aspects of my walk of life and I hate it.  I know we all pass judgments from time to time but some do it with such reckless abandon that it is frightening.  I'm not in any way ashamed of the surgery I had; it gave me a whole new life that I'm loving BUT I totally have to WORK to keep that new life.  As Laura said "If all it took to lose weight was the surgery; you wouldn't even be at the Y!"  True.  So very true.  I have to make the conscious decision every day to exercise but it is so worth it for me, because I never want to revert back.



I didn't tell Jerry at first either, the first time he trained me with the stability ball.  I had told him I had lost a lot of weight but didn't tell him about the surgery.  Then I felt guilty (I don't get why, so don't ask.  I can't figure it out) because he was being so nice to me and I had not been upfront with him.  When I told him I even phrased it as if it was a terrible thing I was getting ready to tell him.  I said "I need to tell you something and I don't want you to think less of me..."  WTH?  I don't even make sense to myself sometimes. 



I think women are more difficult to tell.  I think we are more judgmental than our male counterparts.  We are always concerned about how we measure up against other women.  I find myself doing it at times and I hate it.  I prefer not caring what anyone else thinks about my life, but yet on some level, especially with my surgery, I do care.  I don't want people thinking I cheated, even if I don't believe that.  I don't want people thinking it of me.  But yet, I can't control what other people think so maybe that is why I elect to not always tell people.  Sometimes now, I almost forget I had surgery because time has passed and what I am doing now has more to do with just being normal (despite my half hour long dumping session the other night...that's the only time I don't feel normal).  I work , I clean, I exercise, I cook, I parent, I am a spouse.  Exercise is just a part of my day to day routine and I never think anymore "I need to exercise because I had this surgery and I need to be true to it." I exercise because I want to get to a size 14 and more importantly because, damn, it makes me feel better overall when I do work out.  I feel better physically and mentally for doing it. 



I guess it is just one of those things I need to come to terms with and sort out for myself about how to handle it in the future.  Not sure why it is so complicated for me, yet it is.



Happy weekend, kids!  Be safe!