- I am sitting here on my couch sweating.� The joy of not having central air.
- I did not run today which grieves me a bit.� It was very hot, my pouch has been a bitch all day and I had a headache.� I opted for a nap instead.
- I will be spending the long weekend in a secluded place with family and friends and am totally stoked about it.
- Tomorrow is Fire Pit and I am unable to drink more than a glass of wine.� I am planning to make up for this over the weekend.
- I am planning to take my bike on this little getaway in order to get in some exercise after I recover from the 5K.
- I just tried eating again and my pouch is still being pissy.� These kinds of days suck.� Nothing agrees with me.
- I hate the show "Bizarre Foods".� I always look up when this douchebag is either eating a bug or slaughtering something.� I find him repulsive.�� The Brit loves him which is why it is on the television.
- I am so glad tomorrow is Friday as it has been a hellishly long week with the robbery discovery, the 5K stress, the heat, the kids, etc.� I am ready to chill out by a pool and maybe a pedicure.
- I really feel like I could throw up.� Aren't you happy to know this information?
- I had the estimate done on my car today; just over $600.� I need to schedule the repair work tomorrow.
- Why do I feel guilty when Little Brother is doing his chores as I sit here on the couch?� I am betting he doesn't feel guilty in the least when I am cooking or cleaning.
- I worked late one day this week due to a 1:30 doctor appointment so I would like to slip out early tomorrow.� Wonder if it will actually happen.
- My 5K is the day after tomorrow.� Wish me luck.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I have recently been called "fanatical" when it�comes to exercise and this to came as somewhat as a surprise to me.� I don't really consider myself fanatical when it comes to exercise.� Quite the contrary in many ways.� I hate to sweat (tho I secretly admit it makes me feel like a beast when you can see sweat stains on my shirts.� Pathetic, isn't it?), I don't really enjoy the process of exercise at all and can I tell you how easy it is for me to skip a day or days at times? I'm saying it doesn't make me feel guilty as hell, but it is still easy for me to do.
But I'll tell you what I am fanatical about.� I am fanatical about NOT ever weighing 315 pounds ever again.� That is the one and only thing that keeps me honest and committed.� I am fanatical about never wanting to not fit in a chair again, or an airplane seat, or being pathetically out of breath after going up a flight of stairs.� I am fanatical about not ever wanting to feel uncomfortable in my own skin again, or tiring so easily after barely doing anything.
In many ways, I think my motivation comes easier than it would for someone who grew up a normal and "acceptable" size and then began gaining weight a bit later in life.� I have a point of reference to where I do not want to return.� The other folks, who grew up "normal" only know to where they want to return.� In many ways, I think knowing where I do not want to return is way more inspiring.� I have that point of reference.� It's a bit like viewing hell before finding a heaven on earth...I know where I don't want to return.
So fanatical about staying healthy?� Absolutely.�
I am planning to run tomorrow in the heat and humidity in order to take Friday off before Saturday's 5K.� I will persevere tomorrow but it will be rough.� But we are heading for summer.� I'm going to have to start planning some morning or evening runs before too long as running at 12:30 right after work?� Yikes!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Hardcore runners may be scoffing at me.
"A 5K?� Run a real race, wimp!"
Just kidding...sorta, kinda.
I have been taking running baby steps for months and now the reality of taking it to the next reasonable level is almost here and I find it a little bit scary.� I also have lots of questions!� Maybe some of you who have hopefully been stalking me the way I do you, will know my answers!
Friday night before the race:�
What should I eat or for a 5K does it even matter?� Not like I am really running a distance, though for this still overweight 43 year old, it will feel that way.� So should food even be a consideration?
Friday night is Fire pit night, so can I have a glass a wine?� Obviously not my usual
bottle and a half�1/2 bottle, but can I have a glass?� Should I have a glass?
What is Chip Timing and how does it work?
How early should I arrive for the run if I am already registered?
I think I have read before that runner etiquette says slower runners should group towards the back.� Correct, yes?
If I collapse on the course will the other runners just step around me, or can I expect to be kicked off the main path?
Okay, all for tonight...it's Idol, Biggest Loser Finale and Glee night, but I wanted to get in the blog post and the questions!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Hope you all had a great weekend.� Mine was good as The Brit returned home and I am no longer a single parent.� Love it when that happens.
Today has been a roller coaster, so let me lay it out for you.� Only one major negative event but lots of smaller things.
The new meds are working beautifully and everyone, including me survived the transition, though there were moment of touch and go.
I finally found what I believe to be the headphones of my running dreams.� Okay, I paid $20 for them, but they are Nike and appear to be promising.� Could no longer take having to readjust headphones while trying to run.
My new cable came for my beloved pink Acer and all is well.� So relieved to have it back.� After having it for nearly a year, I hated being in the computer room with the desktop.
My new House of Hope book got here today.� I ordered it last summer when I finished the last one, so it would be shipped as soon as it was released.� I am stoked to start it.
The Brit finished off the bathroom today with the new hardware.� Now I just need Tod to help me pick out a gray color for the cabinetry.
I am meeting Leisl for sushi on Friday and am looking forward to it.
Both Friday and today, I walked a mile, ran a mile and repeated it.� I am now able to see my progress.
My first 5K is this Saturday.
The Teenager woke up in a foul mood which made for a rocky morning.� Then after school, he told a grand total of nine lies to answer one simple question.� Again, the answer would have been nothing he would have been in trouble for.
I am running my first 5K on Saturday.
The church was robbed and all my teen's Change for Change bottles (our gas money for the mission trip) were stolen.� I cannot begin to tell you how angry I am about this.� I will never, ever understand why people think they have the right to take things others have worked for.
My first 5K is this Saturday....it will probably not be pretty.
Friday, May 21, 2010
I have a special talent of letting crazyish people find me. I would go so far to say that I am a magnet for them. I will also tell you that I am a bleeding heart for people who need help, though I am naive enough to not check out if their story is legit.
So this morning at work, there was a message on the machine from an extremely distraught lady, saying she didn't know what to do, that she couldn't move all these boxes etc.� She was crying and said she was afraid.� I get a lot of calls here at work from people looking for money, or help paying rent or utility bills and often we don't have the funds to help them.� Often when I get these as messages, I don't call back, because I know that they hung up from me and called another church and we can't make it a practice to pay everyone's bills with our limited income here.
But this lady I called back.� She sounded too upset to not call back.� Turns out she is older, disabled and her landlord is putting her out for some reason.� Maybe she isn't paying her rent, I don't know.� She said she has been robbed twice where she is currently living and she was afraid to even sleep at night.� She said the only family she has is a daughter who won't give her the time of day.� She alternated between being very calm and very weepy.� She said she had an electric bill to pay.� I asked her if she had a truck and she said someone was going to help her get one.�
I was concerned on several levels, one being the obvious, that this woman was in dire straights and needed help.� Secondly, were there some mental problems going on.� I called social services and spoke with a really nice guy and when I explained the situation, he knew who I was calling about before I told him her name.� They can't really release any information due to confidentiality, but he told me to listen to my instincts and he did tell me that what she was telling me was true.� He apparently called her when he hung up from me and encouraged her to give me some names and numbers so I could verify things.� I told her I needed to wait until the pastor came back from his vacation weekend to know what, if anything, we can do.
So, I may be in need of some folks to help move this lady.� My congregation is a lot of older people, though there are some younger I am going to be hitting up for help if it comes to that.� It is so hard to be in the middle of these situations sometimes, but I still believe that as the church we are called to help others and though we have to be selective on who we help sometimes, due to some folks working the system, there are many needs that are legit.�� So, anyone available to help move a lady at the end of the month??
I'm running today using my new Nike+iPod and we'll see how it goes.� Goal is walk a mile, run a mile and repeat.� I think I am the slowest runner in the world but that is okay by me; I'm still doing it.� Took Spin last night and remembered that I really don't enjoy it all that much.� I find it rather boring.� I really want to give Yoga a shot this summer as I am not all that flexible and have been told Yoga will help with that.� You know that stretch where you bend your knee...oh hell, this one:
Totally cannot do it.� My leg does not want to bend back that far and I think Yoga can help.� At the end of Spin last night, they want us to put our leg up on the handlebar to stretch out and yeah...not so much.� So Yoga is a summer goal.
Tonight dinner with friend (YESSSSS...even though I am taking the kids, adults to talk to!) and then Tod's show.� Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and wish me luck on my drive back to Reagan Airport tomorrow!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
So another fun side effect of weaning off Zoloft is weird dreams as I have been having them this week and�acid�must not have a thing on Zoloft, not that I have ever tried acid, but I know a guy who did and was awake and said his arm fell off.� Anway,� I wanted to share 13 things about last night's insanityfest.� In no particular order, as I remember it, as we all know how dreams have a habit of slipping from our conscious mind quickly and efficiently.
- I was working for the veterinary hospital from hell again and while I was there, Bonnie, a girl I worked with briefly, was being arrested for stealing something.� In the moment of the dream, I knew what it was, but now I can't remember.
- Stacey, the wife of a guy The Brit works with, came into the vet hospital and said she was there for the free pet food.� I tried to find the free food in question, carefully going around the plethora of cops arresting Bonnie, to the back and to my mother's microwave stand, but could not find the food.� Finally, a girl who barely spoke english showed me where it was.
- The next person to come in brought Abbie for fluids, and I was trying to find the chart, when psycho-Jennie swooped in and grabbed it from in front me.� Even in dreamland, not much has changed there.
- The next thing I remember happening (once they escorted Bonnie out) was Little Brother, who is NOT ADHD, telling me he only had one pill left.� I called the pharmacy to refill both his meds (meds that in real life, The Teenager is actually on) but the tech reminded me I needed an actual prescription as Adderal is a controlled substance.� I remembered the prescription was at home, but for some reason, had to walk from downtown to get there.� I was running and walking, alternating between the two.
- Got home and was looking for my date book as I was sure that was where the prescriptions were (and in real life, that is where they are).� I walked outside and Lilah, the 8th grader across the road was standing at my car (I don't know why my car was not with me when I had to walk home) and she said hi to me and ran across the street to her house.
- Through all this, I knew I was going to be late for work at veterinary hell.� I found the prescriptions and was getting ready to leave when I remembered I was going to take a Spin class after work, so I had better pack my workout clothes.Went downstairs and asked The Brit if he would drive me to get my car (which last seen was outside but it was no longer there apparently).� He leaped up to do it and took me to the car.� Can't remember where it was.
- I was then driving to CVS to drop off the prescription and The Teenager was in the car with me which totally annoyed me as I was already late for work.� I told him he would have to walk home from CVS.� He was not happy. On the way to CVS, kids were trick or treating and were all over the place.� I remember thinking "It is passed 8:00 and they should be home by now."� Then it started snowing.
- I was suddenly in what appeared to be the fellowship hall downstairs at my church, but it was assembled to look like a classroom.� I was sitting next to Brent.� Whatever we were attending, we had to pay dues of $2 but no one had any money, other than Change for Change bottles (in real life, Change for Change is our mission trip fundraiser to raise money for gas to get us to NC next month).� So we were swiping change from the bottles to pay our dues.�
- One girl came over to Brent and I and said she needed change.� She had�one roll of�coins of $50 (not sure how that happened) and another one for $3 and she needed change after paying her $2 with $53.� Brent kept insisting she needed $65 dollars back.� I disagreed, then he called me "mom."
- Jimmy (a guy I went to high school with who is gay) was sitting across the room pissed off that Brent and I were sitting together.� Non-confrontational me ignored him.
- I was back at home later and was watching what appeared to be "Criminal Minds" with The Brit.�� Dr. Reid was a judge, but he was all loopy and I remember thinking he was coming off Zoloft.� A woman who looked like Penelope from the same show, whispered in his ear "Pay no attention to what I do."� She then proceeded to kill people.� Reid remained really confused.
- During the show, I said I had to pee, but instead of going upstairs, I walked out onto the deck.� I remembered thinking that the wood beneath my bare feet was delightfully warm considering that it had snowed earlier.
- I sat down in The Brit's deck chair to pee and then decided that was not a good idea...peeing on the cushions and all.� So�I lifted up the cushion, sat back down and proceeded to urinate.� Got back up, went back inside and was covered in soot.
My alarm went off then.� I started my new meds today, two days early...cannot take the mood and the dreams much longer.
I'm going to take Spin class tonight actually as Little Brother has a dentist appt this afternoon.� Not a huge fan of Spin, but it will be good cross training as tomorrow I plan on four miles, alternating walking and running, ie. walk a mile, run a mile and repeat.
To play Thursday 13, go here and join us!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
So last night, the love of my life, my Acer Aspire Netbook, died.� Well, they think it is the power cord and they are sending another one...in 3-8 days.� I hope it is the power cord as I am hopelessly in love with my little pink bundle of goodness and this was the wrong week for it to die as I have not had any face to face adult conversations this week and chatting online on the comfort of my sofa, helps.� Sucks.
It has been a pretty normal week other than that.� The kids bicker, the teenager acts like he would rather just be put to death than to have to attend little brother's 30 minute orchestra concert (seriously dude?� Suck it up), the little brother manages to somehow get crap on the toilet seat and then lies about it.� All pretty typical in my world...can't say I will be sad to get some adult freedom back after Saturday though, providing I don't die driving in DC to the airport.� Hate driving there and though every day brings me a day closer to my single parenting days to come to an end, they also bring me closer to having to drive in one of the two places I hate driving.� Good times!
I am debating leaving the kids home when I go to praise band rehearsal tomorrow night (anybody want a few kids?� They will be home alone. Call me, I'll give you a key to the house...) just for an hour and a half to not be around them.� I love them, but being the only parent for them to talk to equals no quiet�moment to even think, plus it has been cold and rainy so they have been in the house ALL THE TIME.� Did you hear that?� ALLTHEFREAKINGTIME!� This has not been a good week...cannot wait to start new meds!
I am finally getting a run in today; first one since Friday.� Monday, I was bathroom painting and yesterday was grocery day and orchestra concert.� I am starting to think that if I am very lucky, Leisl might be able to carry me across the finish line the morning of our 5K.� I have also totally booked myself this week with appointments.� Today is my friend's radiation so I get the joy of sitting with her adorable daughter.� Tomorrow, little brother has a dentist appt as he cracked a tooth.� Friday, the teenager has a therapy appt (I am still mad at the therapist.� I am just not sure what is really being accomplished in these sessions).� I was on the brink of�texting Leisl last night to see if she was available for lunch any day this week (I am starving to be around adults!) before I realized I have no freakin' time.� And sushi and wasabi would have been divine right about now...and a glass of their "house brush".
I know my blog posts have been kind of downers lately, but the light at the end of the tunnel is in sight.� I promise.�
Oh and another great reason we need a dog:
Monday, May 17, 2010
So my first day after halving my zoloft left me with a tremendous headache (yesterday).� I have always taken this med at night as it tended to make me sleepy so I took it last night close to midnight and five hours later was wide awake.� Lovely.� I think I will be taking it in the AM for the rest of the week as insomnia is a side effect of weaning off the med.� My only fear with that is forgetting to take it.
I did get my bloodwork results back today and I am damn near perfect.� Heh.� Cholesterol is perfect, fasting blood sugar, perfect, iron etc, all good.� Awesome.� My only problem is apparently that I am nuts.
Got the bathroom finished other than the work The Brit has to do with making some stuff to go behind the towel racks, TP rack etc (needs to be uniform, though he doesn't know that yet.).�
Saturday, I had to drive The Brit to Reagan airport in DC and there are two places in this world I hate to drive: DC and NYC.� So, my meds are not working and I am driving in a city I hate driving in, and lo and beyond I am rear ended.� Ripped up my back bumper pretty good, so I am waiting for the driver's insurance company to give me the estimate to have it fixed.� Did speak with them today and the appt is set up for next Thursday.
Was hoping to have a girl's night out Friday, but not gonna happen. Must take kids.� This is my life this week.
Okay, too tired to blog more tonight.� I will try to do better tomorrow.� Oh and spam commenters, go away, will ya?
Friday, May 14, 2010
If this cat was drinking wine like I will be in a few hours, it would be perfect...but we can always view as "this is what I will look like by midnight."
Yeah. Ready for the weekend.� I think.� Definitely ready for tonight.� Starting tomorrow, I single parent for the week.� Not looking forward to that.� Dear Lord, let it be an uneventful week.
I have been sitting with my friend's daughter, Emma, while her mom, Shiloh (my friend) has been undergoing radiation for breast cancer.� I love this little girl.� I think because I have two boys, I find little girls just magical.� I love her little girly attitude and her blonde flyaway curls and how precocious she is and though I am thrilled to death for my friend almost being finished with her radiation, I will miss Emma Wednesdays (though I do plan on spending some time with Shiloh, Emma and Deacon this summer with my boys).�
Apparently, Wednesday night, Emma had a seizure.� They took her to our local hospital, ran tests and found nothing out of the ordinary, so they released her.� On her way out to the car, Emma had another seizure, so they took her to DC to Children's Hospital.� Now, she is doing well and they think the seizures are idiopathic, which after talking to Shiloh, sounds like they are not the bad kind (is there a good kind of seizure?).� Hopefully she will be released today but please keep Emma and this family in your prayers.� They have had a trying year and I am praying that they all have a safe passage to the other side of this tunnel life has thrown at them.
I have my eye on one of these .� For $29, I don't think I can beat it.� A lot of runner swear by the Garmin 320, but I am not yet serious enough to spend $150.00 on a device.� And i don't have to have Nike shoes to use it.� Amazon or eBay both sell a thing adapts with your laces to position the sensor.�When I stay on the path that marks a mile for me, I know how far I have run, but let's face it, one of the joys of running outside is being able to go different places.� But when I go different places, I have no idea how far I have run.� Plus I think this little baby gives you your calorie burn too which would be awesome.�
Okay, I can think of nothing else for today.� I think my fog blocks some of my creativity, so bear with me.� I'm getting there one day at a time.
Happy weekend, peeps!� Join me in a drink tonight on the deck!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
In an effort to remain positive during this transition, here, in no particular order, are thirteen things I am thankful for:
- My husband: Today is his birthday.� I am thankful for having him in my life.� I am thankful he has found a hobby that he has built a circle of friends around.� I'm thankful that he is a wonderful provider.
- For my friends who have been so supportive of this trying time for me.� Thank you.
- For my WLS.� I would not trade it for the world.
- For books, even though I find so few moments to read.� I have three currently stacked beside of me: "A Stitch in Time", "Heaven and the AFterlife" and "Chi Running".
- For tomorrow being fire pit.� There will be wine involved. Note to self: buy wine.
- For my new Road ID.� I love it and feel safer somehow wearing it.� As another blogger said, it is my voice if I cannot speak for myself.
- For running and my love-hate relationship with it.
- For Michael and my kickboxing class.� It's fun and a stress release.
- For my kids: I am thankful for them...really.� There are just days I forget.
- For my cats: their unconditional love always brings a smile to my heart.
- My youth kids: I love this bunch and my heart aches thinking of them getting older and starting their own lives.
- For my God...who created me, who gets me and who is the loving Father to all of his children....not just the ones society deems as "worthy" or "correct".
- For knowing that soon the fog will be lifted and I feel normal once again.
You can play Thursday 13 here!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Today has been moderately better for me.� The doctor is weaning me off the Zoloft and by the end of next week, I should be starting on Pristique.� I have some fears about the weaning off process next week when my normal dosage is cut in half but I am trying to be optimistic that the drug has become so ineffective for me that I will not notice much of a difference.� With being a golf widow all week next week, some of ya'll might want to check to make sure the kids are weathering the potential storm all right.
I have discovered that exercise is definitely helping me to cope despite the fact that right now, when I have little energy or desire to do it, I am making myself do it.� It releases endorphines that allow me to feel a bit better for awhile.� I literally forced myself to kickboxing last night (so not like me) after telling myself half a dozen times that I was not going, but am so thankful that I did.� Though this morning, the fog had descended on me again, for a few precious hours last night, I felt the closest to normal mentally that I had in awhile.� I ran this afternoon and again, it helped to lift the fog for awhile.
I had dinner with friends tonight before going to hear one of my youth girls give her junior recital (she is a vocalist) and the socialization that followed my run helped to keep me feeling more centered.� Depression, if that is what this is, runs in my family and though I don't feel mine is severe, it is enough to keep me from feeling "normal".� It is a difficult thing to describe if you have never battled it.� The inability to know the answer to "What is wrong with me?� Why am I feeling this way?" is a constant struggle. When the Zoloft was working, I could still have a bad day here and there, but I generally knew what the cause of it was.� This fog from the last week and a half, I can't account for; there is no one thing that placed me here.� I was feeling isolated a few days before the blow up at my teenager and it isn't that I WAS or AM isolated, but I was feeling that way for no explicable reason.� I sat at my desk at work last week and cried for no apparent reason; I only felt completely overwhelmed and alone.� My goals no longer felt worthwhile.� I was suddenly dreading the mission trip, something I look forward to every single year.� The thought of vacation was holding no joy for me at all.� These things and feelings are not who I am.
Though I do not cherish needing to take medication, if the choice is a pill, or constantly having this fog that I cannot seem to shake surrounding me, I will choose the pill.� Feeling this way with no end in sight would be beyond unimaginable for me.� I would never want to be the poster child for anti-depressants, but ladies, there is no shame in them.� Depression occurs much more frequently in women and I am entering into the years where everything begins changing hormonally.� I was fortunate enough to not have to take anything as a teenager though looking back, I wonder at times if I should have.� I remember once sitting on the floor of my bedroom with an open bottle of pills in front of me.� For the life of me, I cannot even remember what was so wrong (sound familiar?) but I was prepared to swallow a handful of these when the phone in my room rang.� It was a friend of mine who immediately said "I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to call you.� Are you okay?"� Don't tell me we don't have guardian angels.� I was maybe 16 at the time.
Now I am hopefully old enough and wise enough to know that an overdose would never solve anything, but again, if this is depression, it is a mild case and I am on medication for it.� But if anyone reading this is suffering from depression, do not let anyone shame you for needing help or belittle you for your feelings.� This stuff is real and there is no need for anyone to suffer when there is help out there.�
You don't have to feel this way.� Mental health is still health and what I am working towards.� It is all relevant.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I promise we will get back to our regularly scheduled program here as soon as I get myself sorted out.� I have changed my doctor's appointment to today because I cannot handle feeling this way much longer.� I am pretty convinced that my zoloft is just no longer working for me and the doc is going to have to switch me to something else.� I am forcing myself to do things that I generally jump to do, would prefer to just stay in bed all day, have a short fuse and little excitement about anything.� Ya'll know me.� I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky, energetic gal.� Well, all that feels like it got up and left.�
I hate it.
I feel nothing like myself at the moment and that is really hard and anyone who has never been where I am right now, cannot understand it.� A few people have suggested other drugs, but I'm just going to see what the doc says and recommends.� It is just really, really hard to feel like this.� Even here at my desk I would prefer to just lay my head down and sleep. I am so hoping that the end of the day will find me a new medication and the beginning of a return to normal.
It has to.� Nothing else is good enough.
I have stuff I want to achieve and I can't do it feeling this way, with no desire to do the most basic of tasks.
My children are probably wondering who the bitch is who has taken over the house.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sometimes things happen that I am not sure I really want to share in my blog.� I argue with myself about it and either decide not to post about it, or decide that maybe if I can manage to tell the story, it might help someone else and maybe even me in the process.� Those of you who were around me Friday night know the story as after a lot of wine, I felt brave enough to tell it.� You have the details which I will not rehash here, but will give the condensed version.
I have a lot of issues with my oldest adopted son, which I have mentioned in the past.� He is now a teenager and has gone, at times, from worse to horrendous.� I'm not sure he was ever as minor as "bad" when it came to certain things, like lying.� Lying for me is a huge ordeal.� I hate it worse than anything.� Lying means I can't trust you, don't want to leave you alone in my house, and I don't believe anything you say.� This kid has been lying to my face for six years now; stupid lies, things he does not need to lie about.� For me, lying is the ultimate betrayal.�
You all know, I was having a rough week last week emotionally.� I was on edge, much of it brought on by this kid, who was playing up for me a lot.� Friday, before he walked into his therapy, he lied to me.� So while he was in therapy and I went to the grocery store (because his therapist, in my opinion, missed an opportunity as he could see there was an issue.� Had he acted on that, the things that happened after therapy might not have happened).� The whole time at the store, I fumed, so that by the time the kid was out of therapy, I was really angry.�
We got into the car and I questioned him again on the issue at hand, and he lied again...a new lie, which zeroed out any chance the first lie ever had as they conflicted with each other.� Then he added lie upon lie in order to make the second lie work.� When I cornered him, he finally confessed the truth...a truth which would NOT HAVE GOTTEN HIM INTO TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.�
I lost it.� I yelled like a banshee in my car the whole way home.� I swear to you, I saw RED.� I said some things I should not have said.� I cursed...a lot.� My frustration was at an all time high.� At one point as I was driving down the street, I imagined what would happen if I took the corner at full speed and wrecked the car.� Yeah.� This is where I was and I have never really been there before.� It was not pretty and I am not proud of it.
We got home and he pretty much got the hell out of dodge.� I walked around to the passenger's side of the car to get the groceries from the back and I completely melted down into sobs.� I felt at a complete loss, didn't know what to do or who to call or where to go from here.� I felt on the brink of losing my freakin' mind in those minutes.� I stood there crying for maybe ten minutes before my younger son came around the corner (he gets home from school right before we get home from therapy), asking me if I was okay.� I held it together as best I could so as not to scare him and gathered up the groceries.
That was when I realized that my oldest son was locked out of the house and had witnessed my whole meltdown at the car.� Through all of it, my rant, my tears, he never said one word...not one emotion crossed his face.� But then, it rarely does.
Once I had calmed and talked to Tod, I went up to the oldest son's room and apologized for some of the things I said, but told him�I was not sorry for getting angry.� I told him how his lies affected all those around him.� I don't think anything registered with him at all and he never did apologize for lying.
Some people don't understand why his lies affect me the way they do...but they need to remember that I deal with this kid about 80% of the time on my own.� I am the parent who gets them up in the morning and who is here when they get home from school.� I get the majority of the drama...and when he is really acting out, it gets to me.� Lying is such a major deal breaker for me.
So I am seeing my doctor on Friday.� Instead of going off the zoloft, I am looking for something stronger.� I have a feeling either the zoloft is no longer working as affectively after six years or I am entering into pre-menopause and a helluva hormone imbalance.� Friday afternoon was not me and I have not been totally me since.� Still a bit short tempered and a bit of a lack of interest in most things at the moment.
A few moms I have spoken to since Friday have told me they have had similar moments, so I don't feel quite so bad....still not good, but not as bad as Friday.�
Friday, May 7, 2010
So I posted an article from that site who contacted me and I was not impressed for the following reasons:
All the articles I wanted to use were apparently already being used by someone else.� If that was the� case, I think the articles should have�been removed.� It was time consuming to keep clicking only to find out I could not use the article.
The article I settled for, for those of you who did not see it, was on calcium, but I found no new information in the article.� I didn't even find it interesting.� The articles that I might have found interesting were already taken.� Oh, and you don't get to read the whole article prior to picking it. You get to read two sentences and hope for the best.
Once you post an article, you have to go back to their site to "Verify" it.� Basically, this is putting in the permalink to the blog post.� Their site supplies me with http://knitten-kittens.com/ so I filled in the rest.� Wouldn't take it.� Told me the URL was wrong.� So, I put in the whole thing.� Still told me it was wrong.
The article supplied two links, apparently linking the post back to the author.� Neither link worked.� Again, as you can't preview the whole article prior to selecting it as yours (and apparently, once you do that, there is no changing your mind), so only once it was posted could I try the links.� Nada.
In theory, I think the idea of this website in question is good, but there seems to be a lot of bugs.� I have emailed them with all my concerns and in the meantime, I took the article down.� I was not happy with the content (not my style, not a topic I really wanted either) or the broken links, so I failed to see how it would benefit me (didn't like it) or the author (broken links).�
So this morning I went to the doctor for my thumb pain, which is exactly like my thumb pain from three years ago when they did a tendon release in my wrist that remedied the problem.� The Nurse Practitioner (NP) ordered x-rays and when she came back in with them, she said my doctor said it was highly unlikely that the problem would reoccur and she wanted me to see a hand specialist.� I asked the NE if my xrays had shown any problem and she said, "No, but as soon as we don't take an xray, that's when someone has bone cancer." As she is saying this, she is studying a darker line across my wrist on the xray, and she immediately says, "I need to check with the doctor on this."
Okay, so she mentions the C word and then hightails it out of my room with a concern about my wrist and is gone like FIVE FREAKIN' MINUTES!� For these FIVE FREAKIN' MINUTES my heart is pounding out of my chest and my palms are sweating and I am contemplating how I will handle a cancer diagnosis.� I am thinking to myself, "But I am so healthy now...can't be cancer surely."
When the NE came back, she explained the doctor thought the dark line was a growth palate or something from when I was child.� I then informed her that she had scared the living shit out of me.� She was very apologetic, but sheesh woman!� Think before you speak and don't throw that C word around lightly!� If the doc doesn't see evidence of cancer on MY xray, shut the hell up about it!�
So I have to see a hand specialist.� The pain has been better today and my appointment isn't until May 25th, so I am hoping for a complete recovery before that so I can cancel.
I am feeling a bit better emotionally today.� Praise band helped...being out of the house, with some folks who make me laugh and who I could vent to.� Being without my kids for two hours, being able to just be me as opposed to a mom or a cook or a homemaker, was nice.� I'm not quite 100% yet, but better than I was yesterday.
Tonight, there will be wine.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
�I think that in life, we get used to things being a certain way and certain people being our sounding boards and when that changes, we experience an intense feeling of isolation.
That's the way I have been feeling this week.� Alone, no sounding board, against the world and it is closing in on me.� I'd say I'm depressed but that is not really something I am accustomed to feeling so I'm not sure.� Maybe I am just having a few down days.
The two people�I talk to the most when my heart is heavy have not been�available.� One is working two jobs and I never see her anymore and the other is currently in rehearsals for a show.� Neither of these people are responsible for me, but they were/are still the people I talk to and I have not yet adjusted to things being different.� They won't be different forever, but right now, I have a feeling of drowning with no one there to pull me back.
I am nearing the time of year when things get complicated; school will soon be out, golfing weather is upon us and I start trying to figure out how to juggle all of it and still find my own time for the exercise that helps to keep me sane (though this week, not even that is helping).� Leaving my kids at home alone for four hours a day is scary enough during the summer, especially with my oldest, so any longer than that, is not possible.� Yes, I have the treadmill, which will help once I get a fan down there, but my goals right now are running and increasing my stamina outside.� I can do the inside thing once or twice a week but any more than that and I lose the ground I have gained outside.
Summer is also complicated because I have to spend more time with my kids, which I love them, do not misunderstand, but I am the opposite sex parent and it is a known fact that kids respond more to the same sex parent, which is not me.� I deal fairly well with this most of the time; the fact that they bicker more for me, act up more for me, feel that they can get away with more with me; but sometimes, like this week, it just gets to me.� And on the rare occasion when asking for help results in annoyance at me, my frustration is all the greater.� I accept the fact that I am the primary care giver with them; the mother usually is and that is fine.� I have the part time job so it only makes sense, but there are occasions when I need help.� Those days when there doesn't seem to be a moment when there is not an issue going on, someone mad at someone, hitting someone, tattling on someone, arguing with someone and they come at me one right after the other with barely a breath in between.� It gets to me some days.� Most days, I can take it all in stride, but this week has been tough for some reason.� I�can't question why.� It just is.
And the people I lament to are not around currently.� The ones willing to listen to me and to help me put things into perspective.� I know I am strong and it is only when alone that I feel tears pushing forward this week.� This isn't about anyone else or making anyone feel bad; this post is me feeling bad and trying to get the emotions out in some safe way.
The majority of my days during the week are either spent completely alone or with kids.� Not much going on at work right now and more days than not, it is just me.� Then I go and work out alone.� Then I go home alone for awhile until the kids come home so again, no adult conversation.� It's getting to me right now.�
Still don't even know if my mother is pissed off at me about the Mother's Day thing and I am not in a place to call her today because if any attitude is going on, I am not feeling strong enough to deal with it.� I am not going to put myself in a place to be made to feel bad or guilty about my decision.� See, my sister was here last week and when any other sibling is here, I don't hear from my mother but rarely.� But now, I am sure I am in the wrong for not calling, but I'm just not in that place right now.� I am not feeling strong enough to guard my words.�
I'm sure this will pass.� I don't often get this way.� Lonely.� Feeling isolated.� Alone time is often something I crave but when my demons are knocking at my door being alone is not where I want to be.�
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
There are times I think "Man, I wish I had started this health thing earlier in my life!"� Mostly those thoughts come into play when I am looking at my bat wing arms which will probably never go away without a knife and I'm not going there.� So for me it is a kind of vanity I guess, that I wished parts of me had not been abused by my weight for most of my life.� No, I shouldn't be vain, but sometimes it is hard when I see what I don't think I can improve on just due to age.�
But no one should allow their age to stop them from beginning to think about getting healthy.� I am hoping to spend my "golden years" traveling and experiencing new things and in order to do that, I need to be mobile and fairly fit.� In younger years, health might be about impressing people in order to find that significant other of our dreams (and for some of us, it could still be that in part, which is fine!) but as we get older, we start to think about the second half of our lives, which is way different than thinking about the first half.� When we are in the first half, we aren't even thinking about the second half, but once we get there and realize there is no reverse on this vehicle we call our body, it is time to start thinking about major maintenance!�
Just like as your car, washing machine, or fridge get older things are more likely to go wrong with them, the same is true of our bodies.� Me, I want to ensure, as well as I possibly can, that I keep this vehicle in�prime working order for as long as I can.� I want to enjoy those golden years where I am hopefully not working and my kids are grown.� We only get to do those things twice in life really.� Once from the time we are born until we hit school age and then again at retirement.�
As children, we exercised without realizing it; we ran from place to place, biked to our friend's house, ran around the playground at school or attending a swim party.� We never gave our bodies or our activity level a second thought.� When we get older, it's all we think about, because so often, something within our bodies hurts!� A pulled muscle, still hip, aching foot or ankle; our bodies at times seem to be protesting our need or want to be active.� Yes, there are times we need to nurture an injury to avoid further injury.� But those smaller aches and pains that come with growing older should not be side-lining us from working our bodies.� They need to last us until we breathe our last on this earth and bed-ridden is not anything I want to be unless my health deteriorates so drastically one day it is physically impossible to do anything else.� But I want to do my best to make sure that never happens.� We only have so much control of our health.� Seems cancer pops up for people who have never smoked as we consume more and more processed foods and chemicals (which I believe is part of the cancer problem but that is just my opinion).� But eating well and exercising at the very least, gives us a little bit of an upper hand against life threatening disease. In all honesty, and I am not bragging, but just stating�a fact because the reality of this still floors me, I have been sick a total of two days in over two years.� When I started exercising and quit smoking, I stopped with the 2-3 times a year colds,�bronchitis, etc.� It amazes me, how something I once hated completely (exercise) and now make myself do and
love not hate it as muchmake myself tolerate is helping me in so many other facets of my life.
So if you think you are too old and set in your ways to start, you're not.� You just need to form new habits.� Better habits.� Habits for life.� And if you still think health has an age limit, check out this amazing lady.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
So back in 2006, I developed intense pain in my right thumb...excruciating.� Wound up being some kind of tendon that needed to be released, which required an out patient surgery and a couple of stitches.� Friday night, the problem began to reoccur; same thumb, same pain.� Pisses me off.� I have been wearing my brace that was given to me last night before the surgery and it was helping.� In fact, the thumb felt really good today...until I squeezed a plastic container of jelly while packing the kid's lunches for tomorrow and it felt as if the nerve or something moved or snapped or something but omg, the pain was incredible.� I think all the color drained from my face.� So I wore the brace to kickboxing and got on fairly well.�
My YMCA has been taking pics for their Facebook page and tonight they hit my class:
� Me in the black and white, getting my butt kicked by this guy:
� Kickboxing instructor extraordinaire and all around nice guy.
Anyway, I got a blog comment by a website called "My Fitness Content".� Basically they supply articles that I can use as blog content in an effort to link back to them and direct more traffic here.� They approved me, so I am going to give it a go and you all have to tell me what you think.� Once upon a time, I did a "Healthy Dose" Friday post, so I am going to resume it to give this site a shot, so Friday will be the first time you will see something like this.� Would love feedback on it and who knows, maybe we will all learn something from the content.
Tomorrow is a run day followed by meeting my friend at radiation to watch her adorable little girl.�� My friend will soon be finished with her treatments.� Keep her in your prayers that all goes well.
Okay, that is it for tonight...Idol, Glee and The Biggest Loser are calling my name!� Thank heavens for DVRs!
Oh and my eating so far this week?� Has been amazing.� Now I just need to keep it up!
Monday, May 3, 2010
� Apparently it doesn't matter how big or small we are, how tall or short, how blonde or brunette, we will always compare ourselves to others.� I do it all the time and when I sit back and think about how insane it is, it totally annoys me.� Even watching "The Biggest Loser" weigh ins, I compare.
"She weighs 198?� How is that possible?� She looks bigger than me!"
In those moments, I forget that we all carry it differently.� No one believed that I weighed 315 pounds when I did (tho looking�at the pictures I have to wonder how anyone could not have believed it, but we are always harder on ourselves), because either they just could not believe someone they knew weighed that much or because I carried it so it didn't look like a 315.� Again, cannot imagine it being the latter.
We also use comparison to keep ourselves in check, or at least I did.� You know the drill; you pass someone on the street who is obviously a larger size and you think "At least I am not that big."� I did that all the time, trying to reassure myself I was okay in at least some perspective.� I think for me, it was a way of fooling myself, a way of denying the bigger (pardon the pun) problem that was my own health.�
Comparing our bodies can also be detrimental to the young.� TV and magazines fill young minds with images of what they are supposed to look like but no one thinks to explain airbrushing to them.� I heard a parent recently tell her ten year old the morning before a gymnastics event that "No, you cannot have a Peppermint Patty.� Tomorrow you can have anything you want but not today."� Is it just me, or is that not a healthy mentality to put on a young girl?� Ironically, my son saw the girl rebel and swipe one of the mini patties when mom wasn't looking.� So denying her, which in my opinion would neither make�nor break a tournament for this child, but it did in some odd way tell her to steal the coveted candy.�
So where am I going?� I'm not always exactly sure when these thoughts fill my head and I try to rationalize them.� But isn't it really all about health and teaching our kids and ourselves how to look at food in a healthy way?� From a young age when I was a child, kids�were rewarded for good behavior with special treats, so they learned if they were good, they deserve candy.� So these kids can grow into adults who continue to reward themselves for tough days or doing well, with food.� Food should fuel our bodies, not reward them.� Should we on occasion have those special treats we love?� Of course.� It is only when the unhealthy treats become our norm that we really get into trouble.�
And it isn't about comparing ourselves to others.� At 209 pounds, I am healthier than I have probably ever been in my life.� Satisfied with the number?� No, but is anyone truly satisfied with their numbers on the scale?� Is there really anyone out there who doesn't look at someone else and think "If only I could weigh what she does."?� Yet these exercises are fruitless.� Yes, a scale can help keep someone at an ideal weight in check, but we can also become a slave to it.�� My weight can fluctuate on a daily basis, but I am learning not to send myself into a tizzy about it.
I'm learning not to compare and not to get hung up on numbers.� I'm trying to teach myself to care about how I feel and not what someone else looks like.� If I lose more, great.� If not, I feel great despite the fact.
Now if you aren't feeling great where your health is concerned, that is when it is time to take some action.� If you are feeling void of energy, sick all the time, whatever, then it is time to evaluate what you can start to change to improve how you feel.� But stop looking at everyone else.� Our bodies are all made differently and chances are that no matter what you do, you are not going to have the body of "that girl."� Find your happiness within yourself, try to fix what doesn't make you happy, but accept where you are in your journey.� Today is all we are certain of, so lets not waste it wishing we are living someone else's life.
I hope this made some semblance of sense!