Friday, September 8, 2006

To Heal or Not to Heal


Let me say first off that as far as tomorrow's Photo Hunt....I got nuttin'.  The theme is food and I have wracked my brain all week to think of something interesting to photograph that falls under that blanket and I have come up empty.  So, unless something interesting and edible is presented at tomorrow's monthly meeting of Fiber Fanatics, I am out of the game this week. 



I try not to talk too terribly much about Christianity in my blog because I know I have readers who are not Christian.  However, with that being said, my faith walk is a huge part of who I am, so I can't always avoid it nor do I want to. 



I was going to write and rehash this whole exodus thing, but in sitting here, I've decided against it. Now, the reason this has come up is that our wonderful interim pastor has decided that next Sunday, we will have a healing service.   A service of healing of all that transpired at my church last year and in the two years before that when people for whatever reason became unsettled.  On a larger spectrum, I think a healing service is a great idea; very cleansing.  But on a personal level, I'm not sure I'm ready to heal.



I'm still so hurt by the whole thing and at times, I still get really angry.  From my point of view, there was just so much hypocrisy that transpired.  A Unity Service the night before the vote.  At the time it seemed like a good idea (though I did not attend) until in retrospect, you realize that the unity was only for "those of us" who didn't share the same views as those that left.  Fact is, those who wanted to leave the ELCA were certain that they were going to win the vote and they wanted "us" as a congregation to stand with them when "we" lost the vote.  When we didn't lose the vote, all promises of unity were off.  That was hurtful.  We were expected to "suck it up and deal" if we lost.  What was apparently really the case was "you are expected to be united providing things go our way."  The whole unity service now feels like nothing more than some self created drama, intended to make those of us against leaving the ELCA feel guilty.  It feels like my church of 25 years was used for someone's personal agenda.  It was never about true unity.  If it had been about that, our church would still be whole and half the congregation would not have left to form their own church when they lost.  They expected us to unify, but once the tables were reversed...well, that was a different story obviously.



See, the thing is that I had made the decision to unify.  Actually, God made that decision for me.  The night before the vote, I was attempting to sleep in the living room (as my upper arm was broken and bed sleeping was just not an option).  I wrestled myself all night about what to do.  I was certain "they'd" win.  Sure of it.  So what my mind was mulling over was "What am I going to do when the vote goes through?"  Do I stay?  Do I leave?  Do I stay for awhile and see how things go?  I pined over this all night long, only dozing intermittently. 



Then as the sun rose in the sky, I did what I should have done hours before.  I prayed and asked God what I should do.  The answer in my heart was almost immediate. 



"This is my church, my child.  I'm going to protect my church.  So no matter what happens today, it will be my will.  If it is my will, why should you leave this church?"



It all made sense.  Christ loved the church.  He was not going to allow harm to come to it.  Yes, it was a building, but it was the people who would continue to worship in that building who would make up the church and it didn't matter if there were 300 of us or 100.  God would provide for us.



Against what I consider to be incredible odds, the vote to leave the ELCA did not go through. There had to be a 2/3rds majority and it didn't happen.  I knew in my heart that God's will had been done and though the other group said prior to the vote that whatever happened would be God's will and we would all move forward together, again that didn't happen.  Instead, they left.  They said slanderous things about those of us remaining.  They've told others that my church was getting ready to shut down.  I'm not talking "them" as a whole, but certain individuals.



I know I am supposed to forgive and with most things, I don't have a real big problem with forgiveness.  But when the hurt takes place within the body of Christ, the wound is just much more painful, and every new hurt that is brought to light or repeated causes it to bleed once more.  Maybe it isn't really a case of not wanting to heal, but more of wondering if healing is possible. 



The other piece of this that troubles me is that for so many years, I have tried to live my life by the words "judge not, lest you be judged."  I don't want to be judging those that left because they left.  I want to be able, with a clear heart, to wish them all the best and every blessing in their new church.  I truly want that, but I'm not there yet.  I'm closer than I was six months ago, but still struggling...and I wasn't even in the heat of the battle.  I was an outsider to both "sides", observing, and listening.



So, pray for me.  I'd like to be able to walk into that healing service with a heart ready and able to heal and right now, that feels a long way off.




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