The Heart of the Matter

Crazy Aunt Purl is starting to really scare me.  Since Friday, I have been mulling over in my mind my next blog post and then Purl, who rarely posts on weekends, not only posts, but talks about the same things that I was planning to discuss, only she does it much more eloquently than I ever could.

I've spent the last couple of days really analyzing my relationship with food and boy, are we complicated!  For the longest time, when contemplating why I had weight issues, I simply figured that I liked food and I had a sweet tooth.  The portion size on my plate is generally not big and I get full at meals rather quickly.  So, I simply thought that it was my choice of snacks more than anything else that had led to my weight issues.

After remembering what happened to me as a child and taking into consideration the assault in New York, I had a new understanding.  It was very difficult for me to wrap my mind around a young child, putting on weight to protect herself, however.  That was, until I adopted kids and took foster parenting classes.  It is amazing what young children will do to make themselves feel "safe", when they have been hurt or violated in some way.  The mind is a very complex thing and it will at times go to lengths that we cannot fathom in order for us to deal with life. 

Once I was able to understand the subconscience physical wall I had placed around myself, then I had to really start looking at my triggers.  It's hard to re-train ourselves to eat to satisfy instead of eating to fulfill a need that food was never supposed to fill in the first place.  Friday, when the plumbing issues were occuring, I found myself standing in front of an open refrigerator door.  I had already had lunch.  So, I talked myself through my emotions as I am starting to realize just what an emotional eater I am, the door of the fridge was closed with no food being consumed...but it was an internal battle.  The good news is that I am starting to be aware of my behaviors, thus I am placing myself in control of them, as opposed to them controlling me.

Purl's post stirred up a lot of feelings in me...fears really.  Fear of no matter how much weight I lose, I am afraid that I will always see the fat girl in the mirror.  Truthfully, there is no one else I know and I think that even to a degree, though not happy with that person, I have come to accept her.  Now, how do I get rid of her as the pounds come off? 

Our self image is so distorted through television, movies, fashion etc.  As overweight children, we are quickly taught that we are not acceptable, through the ridicule of some cruel classmates.  Then when we are already feeling badly about ourselves, we turn on the television and see what we are "supposed" to look like.  But when our self image is being ingrained on our hearts and souls at such a young age, no one bothers to talk to us about being healthy.  It all becomes about what we look like, not how we feel, or how healthy we are or aren't.  It's about pants size, bra size, or how much food is on our plate, and seeing things that way is hard to change.

But I'm trying.  This is the first time I have ever approached weight loss like this and I honestly think at this point, it is much more difficult than dieting.  As far as I'm concerned, dieting is about self-deprivation and reaching for foods you honestly don't like until you simply cannot stand it anymore and eat a piece of pie or cake, or a doughnut.  That one slip gives you permission to completely fall off the wagon, because after all, you already blew it, might as well blow it right and keep on eating all the things that you love that are so bad for you. 

But enough of all that.  This time it is about being aware; of my thoughts, my emotions, my choices.  It's about planning and experimenting in finding new foods that are not only healthy but taste good and are satisfying.  It's about knowing the difference between being full and satisying hunger.  It's about finding other things to fill up that place inside myself that wants something when I'm stressed, tired etc.  It's about knowing that I have permission to have a piece of cake if I really, really want it, but still knowing that after I eat that, I am back on track with health.  Moderation. 

It's a process and I'm learning it.