Tuesday, September 16, 2008

What It Is


I wanna go Christmas shopping.

Not just random Christmas shopping.  I want to plan a trip...a girl trip.  Maybe to Gettysburg or downtown Frederick, some place I have always wanted to explore.  A place with little original shops and not full of chain stores.  I'm thinking Kelly, Lisa, Shell, Robyn?  Anyone have any suggestions?  Obviously, I don't want to go like this weekend or anything.  Maybe the end of October or early November? 

Life just suddenly feels as if it is full of endless possibilities.  Nothing feels impossible and everything feels exciting and new.  Who'd of thought, eh?   If I were a person who regretted things, I would be regretting waiting until I was 41 to have my surgery.  But I'm a person who doesn't believe in regrets because every life experience causes me to learn something and therefore makes me the person I am today.  No.  Everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to happen.

So many of my WLS goals are so close at hand.  I'd venture to say that in a few more months, I will be reposting the list I made and bolding several things that have been accomplished.  The world has suddenly opened up to me, or so it feels like.  Does that make any sense?  I'm not always sure that the actual physical weight loss has anything to do with it, but it is more of the mental changes within myself that have occurred because of the weight loss.  I feel like I can accomplish almost anything. 

No, not every day is a joy to behold.  I still have my moods and there are days when things just don't go the way I wish they would, but even the bad days feel different now than they would have six months ago.  I feel better equipped to handle them somehow. 

I think the biggest change is the fact that I no longer beat myself up about doing something about my weight.  I have done something; I am doing something every single day to be healthy and fit.  The hours I used to spend feeling sad, writing in journals about how much I hated my weight, making lists of the things I was going to do to correct the situation, diet after diet, starving myself at times.  It's almost mind boggling.  I would lie in bed at night, resolving that tomorrow would be the day that I would find a way to turn it all around, only to arrive at bedtime twenty-four hours later to knowing that very little had changed, or even if I had changed a lot of things, wondering how long I would be able to keep up the regime and how long it would take to get down to a healthy weight. 

I don't have those thoughts anymore.  Working out is so much easier now than it was at 315 pounds and five days a week, I simply act as if there is no other choice other than going to the gym.  I just don't give myself the option.  I go.   do.  I feel good about it.  I'm starting to like sweating, because it means I'm working harder than I have ever worked before. 

Food no longer has the hold on me it once did because I'm too busy to spend much time thinking about it.  When weight keeps you exhausted and lethargic, what else is there to do but think about what to eat?  When I'd feel angry or depressed, I'd reach for comfort food, but now, I do something physical instead.  I work out, I clean, I move, I walk, I ride.  Hell, even the sex is better (sorry if that is TMI, but we're all about the honesty here at knittenknittens.). 

I'm living my life and learning new things about it and me, every single day.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world.



No comments:

Post a Comment