Tuesday, May 19, 2009


So I am sitting here with hair color on my new haircut, which I love (I will try to get The Brit to take some flattering photos tomorrow if that is possible for me) while trying to get through to vote for Adam in the Idol finale. 

My situation from Sunday is still up in the air.  I have not spoken to the party and have not seen the party, because I don't know where things stand.  I have been in horrible situations in the past that have caused me to be quite the avoider when it comes to tense or conflicted situations. 

Right out of high school, I moved to Long Island, NY with a girl I graduated with.  We moved in with her older sister, who owned a house.  Joanne (the home owner) was a bit brash and a bit of a stereotypical loud mouth New Yorker, who tended to go out the mailbox in her underwear (so not kidding).  She was also not the tidiest person in the world and as I am a bit of neat freak, I often cleaned up the house.

One morning, Robin (the girl I graduated with and not to be confused with the other Robyn who I have been friends with forever) and I were late getting out of the house for our jobs because her car was in the shop and I had to take her to work, so we left the place a bit messy.  When we got home that night, Joanne freaked out on us...yelling and carrying on about the way we had left the house.  The fact that I was the one who generally cleaned it seemed to make not one bit of difference.  We exchanged words and I stormed out and went to a friend's house that I had met while doing a musical in a community theater.  I spoke with her mom until late into the night about the situation and she told me I should mend fences.  So I begrudgingly went back to Joanne's and worked it out with her.

The next morning, after Joanne and Robin had left for work, I packed my car and left.

I lived with a roomie once in Middletown that I worked with.  We got along great, though Juanita tended to be a bit on the moody side from time to time.  She was seeing a man so she was gone from the trailer several nights a week.  My aunt and uncle came up to visit so I went to see them at my parent's place and wound up staying the night.  When I arrived at the trailer the next day, the whole place looked as if a tornado had been through.  Pictures had been torn off the walls, tables upturned, broken dishes, etc.  It seemed that Juanita had a fight with her boyfriend and came home and just had a major tantrum.

I moved out the next day.

I lived with a gay male couple that I did theater with and though their relationship was good for awhile, it started to turn violent.

I would sleep in my car.

I just don't do conflict and that kind of stress.  I work great under pressure, but placed in a bad situation with someone, even once, and I am on guard.  I shut down and find an escape. 

I also realize this goes back way further.

When I remembered I was molested, which was while I was almost being raped, what I remember from when I was five or six was watching what was happening to me from the ceiling.  My mind, at a young age, had learned to escape.  During the almost rape, I didn't fight as I shut down completely, and that was when the memory of the early childhood trauma was remembered.

Though I am past both of those things, my reaction to conflict is probably never going to change.  If I cannot escape physically, I will shut down emotionally.  On Sunday, the upset individual was sitting right next to me, and I never even looked in that direction.  My attention was solely focused on my cell phone all of a sudden.  I can only remember snippets of what was said.

This person, if not upset with me for Sunday, may be upset that I have not called to check up.  But not knowing if anger was directed at me keeps me from calling and possibly facing more conflict.  I can't do it.  I can't set myself up for it.

I hope things are okay and I guess I'll know by Thursday, but there will be other people around.  I'll feel safer from the conflict that causes me to retreat.  If it happens, I know myself well enough to know that I will shut down in some way.  Escape.  My mind will react before I know what hit me.  I will escape either physically or emotionally.  Whatever option presents itself first.  I'm not offering excuses.  I am simply stating facts and it is only at 42 years old that I can so clearly see my past history of reaction to these types of situations.  I've been doing it since I was five.  Chances are the behavior is not going to change.  It's self-preservation; a way to protect myself from any harm even if emotionally.

This is also why I am a bottler.  When things upset me, I tend to bottle it up instead of addressing it with the person who upset me.  Addressing it could lead to conflict and I won't set myself up for it.  It simply is not an option for me.

Still can't get through on Adam's line.  That rocks.


  1. I am going to answer your question on my blog here in a little bit - so consider it a BIG loooooooong comment. :-)

  2. That's a lot of insight into who you are... kudos for the self-knowledge you've cultivated over the years!

    And if Kris wins, I'll drop dead.