Blue

Ever have one of those out of control times of your life, when you know you need to reign in control of yourself or else you are going to crash hard, but yet you still can't seem to get a grip?  Welcome to my world.

The last few days weeks I have not been able to get enough sugar or bread into my diet.  It has been particularly bad the last two days, but I think the increase in bad food behavior may be related to PMS.  Whenever I go into one of these binges, I really try to work it out as to why I do this.  I can trace back some history which includes an early childhood trauma, followed by nearly being raped when I was 18.  Ever since that time, I have not been comfortable with anyone noticing my body in a positive way, because I just didn't trust men.  I'm just not sure of how much sense that makes now that I am married and have put most of those issues behind me.  The weight continues to be a constant battle. 

Then I get myself into this quandry about weight loss surgery (wls).  The thought of it terrifies for a couple of reasons, one of them probably qualifying me for long term therapy.  That reason would be that I like food and once you have wls, you can't really eat much of anything (for the record, I am not generally an overeater, but I tend to reach for the wrong things.  I have an incurable sweet tooth or in my case teeth.).  Then I have to try to analyize what my relationship to the food really is.  I know I am a stress eater, but I have trouble realizing that my life indeed is pretty stressful.  I burn the candle at both ends but I don't really think about it until the end of the day when I am wondering why I feel so tired.  (For example, today started off with work, and assembling light fixtures, then leaving there to go to the blasted toy store to accomplish all Christmas shopping for the kids, then to Chuck E Cheese to pay the deposit on JJ's bday, then home to vacuum both up and downstairs, wash dishes, then go to pick up Aaron at school, then help JJ with homework, dinner, then both kids to Kid's Club and then I have to keep them with me at praise band rehearsal while they try to drive me insane.  That is a pretty typical weekday for me.).  But I don't think I realize stress in the midst of stress because when it becomes insane, I go to find my loyal buddy, food.  As I am so often insanely busy, the quickest things to grab to eat are not generally the healthiest.

The other thing I think about with wls is that it scares me.  What if something goes wrong?  Then there is the psychological part of  "This is stupid and a cop out....you can lose the weight yourself if you would just stay motivated!"  But my motivation comes and goes.  When it is coming in full force, all is good.  I'm working out, I'm eating well, and in turn I'm feeling great.  But then the tide turns and when motivation goes, I come crashing down.  Workouts cease right along with any care as to what I'm putting into my mouth.  I eat when I'm not hungry and even eat more than I generally would at a time.  Then any weight I have managed to lose returns and brings along a few of its buddies.

And I've been doing this since I was a kid.  That is what is so discouraging.  I was on diets in 3rd grade.  In high school, I lost nearly all of my weight but was still convinced that I was fat...and eventually, the scale started inching back up again.

Would wls stop this?  Would it make me feel so good that food no longer needed to be my best bud?  Is it a trade off indeed or would I wind up mourning things that I could no longer have? 

I just know that something has to give somewhere.