Not So Sacred Ground

Earlier this week, I talked about certain things inside of us making us feel as if we are bleeding out as the pain of the situation that we live with day after day can be so painful.

I talked about the need to sometimes voice these things; to be honest.  To admit how it is we feel. 

I always thought that there were some relationships that were meant to be sacred.  They are few and far between but there should be certain people in our lives who we can trust with the things we keep in our hearts; our insecurities.  We can't act on them in our day to day lives but sometimes it is so nice to put a voice to our true feelings; our frustration, our battleground.

But what happens when a person who is supposed to be one of our sacred people, one of the people we shouldn't have to worry about saying things that are politically correct all the time, decides to take every insecurity we have recently voiced and turn it into ammunition against us?  It was akin to having an open wound and this person took a handful of salt and unmercifully rubbed it into the wound again and again...and I never saw it coming.  Someone who I thought understood me apparently doesn't at all.  They want to believe that a calling is really an immaturity.  And they want to rub salt in my deepest wound, using my own words which I said in what was supposed to be a safe place as bullets that went straight to my heart.  Then to accuse me of doing things that this person doesn't do either.  Glass houses and all that.

Angry?  Yes.  Hurt beyond words?  Yes.  Betrayed?  Absolutely. 

I will not apologize for my feelings. I'm entitled to them; they belong to me, whether I like them or not.  What I am sorry for was feeling comfortable enough to say them to this person. 

Never again.

If superficial means safety, then sign me up.  I did theater for years; acting I can do and I will.

Bitter?  You betcha.

Some trusts should never be betrayed.

I am not perfect; far from it.  My post on Thursday was about the same situation that was thrown up in my face on Friday from out of the blue.  So DO NOT tell me what I do and don't feel.  You obviously don't have a clue.  And now you won't.

Have I changed since my surgery?  You seem to think so.  Well, if the changes are involving not simply sitting back and allowing anyone to belittle me, then THANK GOD I have changed.  Changed since surgery.  That was simply a convenient thing to say.  The thing that made you feel I had changed, I have been involved in for two years.  I had surgery nine months ago.  Sorry, your math is way off.

If you want something from me, ask.  Don't expect me to remember every little detail or for me to guess at what you want.  I'm not a mind reader.  My life is insanely full ; with a job, a husband, children, church involvement.  If I forget something now and again, sorry.  It happens.  The last perfect child is the one we worship on Sunday mornings, not me.  But if it makes you feel good to bring up every shortcoming you see me as having, then I don't have the time to be involved.

As far as you will know from now on, my life is perfect.  No problems here!  No siree.  If talking about them means I see them flung back at me with venom, then forget it.  I don't play that game.

And I would have never done it to you.