Sunday, April 5, 2009

With a Heavy Heart....


I want to write up something nicer when I am feeling more coherent and not quite so numb, but a few of you have asked about what happened with Chris' mum, so I'll give you what I know here.

Yesterday, Daphne was doing very well as my Father in Law told us.  She was kidding with the nurses, had a sponge bath and Allen was able to brush her hair for her (my FIL).  When Allen told me this, the thought of her rallying crossed my mind ever so briefly, because my dad rallied before he died and if he hadn't been in a bed, no one would have ever thought he was ill, yet alone terminally ill.  But I dismissed it immediately because it didn't make sense.  We barely had any information; they had removed a mass that was carried over to her liver, but didn't even have the results back from pathology.  She was going to be seeing a cancer specialist.  She was teasing with the nurses.  It just didn't seem possible.

This morning at five am, the phone rang and it was The Brit's brother, Gareth, who immediately handed the phone to his wife, Gina.  Daphne's heart had stopped and they were trying to revive her.  The Brit needed to come home. 

Twenty minutes later, Gareth called back.  They had gotten her heart going again, but Gareth said the cancer was all through her (this was new news for us and possibly for them as well) and he didn't think she was going to have much time.

The Brit booked a flight home.

Just around 8:00 this morning, Gareth called back.  Daphne was gone. 

There are certain moments that replay in your mind over and over again.  When we first learned of my father's cancer, the doctor pulled us all into this little room and told us.  The words forever imprinted on my memory were my mother's words.

"The love of my life and I'm going to have to watch him die."

This morning, the words were "O God, no."  The Brit said them during the first call and every time I think of it, I cry.  I loved her too, but the pain of seeing someone I love so much saying words that contained such grief and pain nearly destroys me.

It's hard feeling as if I need to be in two places at one time.  The Brit is on a plane to England alone.  I'm here with the kids, who have to go to school.  I have Easter bulletins to finish.  Aaron gets confirmed on Sunday.  The Brit won't come back till next Monday.  Legistics dictate that I needed to stay here.  My heart is in England with my husband and my British family. 

Kids are resilient.  They grieve for a moment and then move on to play.  I try to keep the tears hidden.

Sucks being an adult.





7 comments:

  1. Chris,Kim,Aaron and JJ,

    Our thought and prayers are with you all.

    The Simane's
    Si,Tracey,Hanna and Jenna

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Kim, I'm so sorry to hear this! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I'm sorry you're not able to be with your husband right now.
    Hugs!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Kim, I am so sorry for your loss and that of your husbands and entire family. It all seems so sudden which I'm sure makes it even harder to grasp. I know you feel pulled to go to England but it does make sense to stay with the boys. I will keep you and your entire family in my thoughts at Easter mass.
    Luv, Susan

    ReplyDelete
  4. Found you from a comment on Crystals blog. I am sorry for your loss. My mother died 3 weeks ago and I am still trying to deal with it. But what you said made so much sense. Sat Morning- I had my old mother back- we laughed and joked etc. And Monday afternoon she was dead. Makes me think. But enogh about me- again, I am sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kim, you guys are certainly in my prayers - this is such a horrible thing, and I know it totally breaks you up to not be there with Chris. That is so hard, and I'm sorry that it is your situation right now - just know that I'm thinking about you, and God is there... he'll never leave your side for a moment - Chris' either.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh Kim I'm so sorry! You and the brit are in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete